


La Vie en Rose

by Miss_Von_Cheese, nausicaa82



Series: Pippa and Steve [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Domestic, F/M, Fluff, Hand Jobs, House Hunting, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Oral Sex, Sexual Harassment, Smut, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Workplace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-10-11
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:26:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Von_Cheese/pseuds/Miss_Von_Cheese, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nausicaa82/pseuds/nausicaa82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pippa and Steve decide to take their relationship to new levels, but when Steve meets someone who reminds him of his past, our couple must decide how far they can really go together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third part in our series, and as such makes lots of references to the previous installments of [Pippa and Steve's story](http://archiveofourown.org/series/47198). I don't think reading the previous stories is necessary, but I would recommend it for clarity.

Steve felt like he could sense when the alarm was about to go off; his body waking before the first notes would play on the phone’s tiny speakers. He wanted to treasure the minutes he was there with her. Waking up was no longer the jolt to his system it once was, and when he felt her warmth and soft skin, he didn’t have a reason to panic. He knew where he was, when he was, and he didn’t want to be any other place. Then the song began:

_Hold me close and hold me tight_  
 _The magic spell you cast_  
 _This is la vie en rose…_

Pippa’s special ringtone made her smile before she even opened her eyes. Steve was comfortably draped over her, his face buried in her shoulder, too heavy and yet so good and a ray of sunshine behind the curtains illuminated his apartment.

Pippa stirred, shut down her alarm, and kissed Steve’s forehead. She tried to put down her phone on the bedside table filled with too much of her stuff: an adorable little tissue box she had bought last week in Japan, candies, a tiny Captain America figure, her reading glasses for the night, her tablet, and a nail polish she was supposed to store somewhere else about two months ago. Each morning he would try to steal as many extra minutes as he could, keeping her in his arms until she would insist on getting up.

“Come on sleepy head,” she whispered gently against his brow. “Wake up. We gotta go. If you don’t move at least a bit, I’m gonna have to call S.H.I.E.L.D. and tell them I’m trapped under a pretty boy’s arm.”

She rolled out of bed as Steve reluctantly lifted an arm to let her go. He watched her make her way around the apartment, starting the routine they seemed to have perfected with only the smallest of disagreements. She pushed the button of the coffee maker so that it would be ready when they were done

“Sleep well?” she asked as she took her suit on a hanger. She wasn’t going to tell him she had dreamed, once again, about that time he had been captured with Clint, it was a usual nightmare now, happening at least two or three times a week.

"I had a great night," he replied while standing up to stretch his arms over his head then leaned down for a kiss as she went off to the bathroom. He pulled a singlet on over his bare chest as he started on their breakfast and packing lunches.

It had become clear to just about everybody, including Steve, that she had him wrapped around her little finger. He didn’t mind at all, wanting to give Pippa everything her heart desired, and he felt it was his mission to help her in her continuing transition including being cleared for the surgery she so wanted.

As the turkey sausage and eggs sizzled on the stove, he added more spinach to the blender for green smoothies and whistled a song he had heard decades ago.

Pippa looked in the mirror as she buttoned her skirt. She had lost a few pounds, but like a blessing only her waist had slimmed, making her curves even more noticeable. Her breasts hadn’t changed much, but with the warmer weather she had seen Steve staring at her cleavage a few times, blushing and looking away when she caught him. More than anything, she was in a happy relationship, and even if everything wasn’t perfect yet she looked better than ever.

She trotted out of the bathroom, climbed into one of the few pairs of high-heels she kept in Steve’s apartment and wrapped her arms around him, kissing his neck.

“I’m ready Honey, gonna take over…”

She held back a dreamy sigh as she watched him walk to the bathroom, so perfect, so gorgeous and… oh crap! She almost let the eggs burn! She packed the rest of their lunches and poured the coffee in two thermoses.

Steve finished brushing his teeth then pulled on his training clothes, still humming softly. He smiled looking at the drawers Pippa had commandeered for her makeup, lotions, and other things Steve couldn’t really identify. They split their nights between their two places, and having Pippa (and some of her things) in his apartment made it feel like it was a home, not just a place to sleep. She had brought life into the sleep walk he had been doing since arriving in the future.

However, even though each time the guest brought a few more things over, it always turned out that something needed was at the other apartment. When they were last at her apartment, he had forgotten to bring his shampoo. Last night Steve had wanted to work on a drawing he had started of Pippa in a kimono and she had wanted to wear a particular set of pajamas, but both things had been left at her place. It was getting a bit frustrating, and Steve felt like he had the answer on how to make it better.

He finished combing his hair and checked his shave from last night to make sure he looked his best. They had plans to meet some of her non-work friends at a bar right after work, and he really wanted to give a good impression. If things worked out well today, it would segue quite nicely into his asking her. He walked to his dresser and packed his nicer khakis and a dress shirt to change into later after the morning’s training.

"Pippa, which tie should I wear tonight?" He held two to his torso and faced her.

“Oh! You really don’t have to wear a tie,” she blinked, a bit surprised by his formal attire. “Or you can if you want. It really doesn’t matter at all. It’s a place where everybody can go and be themselves, or be whoever they want. You can dress classy or just wear sweatpants and borrow a pair of my shoes; it wouldn’t make a difference.”

She brushed her fingers on his jaw. “There will always be someone with a weirder outfit than yours in Greenwich, you don’t have to worry.”

She sighed internally at her own hypocrisy; she was incredibly nervous about that night. She had told him they didn’t have to go, that she could just go on her own to celebrate her friends’ engagement. But he had insisted that he wanted to know what kind of bars and clubs she liked, that he wanted to be apart of her world.

She wasn’t sure her world would adapt well to him though, and while she had loved the Rose’s Leaf from the first time she had pushed the door, stumbling on her new heels, she was scared now that Steve would be uncomfortable there.

"Ah, ok. I… um… just want your friends to like me." He smiled at the two ties in his hands and then shook his head. “I won’t wear a tie. Keep it casual. ‘Fun Steve,’ right?” Pippa kept silent, unable to hide a concerned frown: Steve seemed as nervous as her, perhaps even more. She sat with him and started eating, trying to convince herself that it was no time to worry.

“So do you have a lot going on at work today?" Steve asked while pouring their smoothies and starting in on his eggs and sausage.

“I have yet to find a day when Agent Coulson isn’t busy,” she joked, giving him the crunchy side of her eggs that he loved so much. “But that should be fine, nothing too important. We can even meet for lunch if I’m lucky.” She wiped her lips, finished her smoothie -without making a face, she had finally grown used to it, it wasn’t that bad after a few weeks- and chuckled,

“Oh, I didn’t tell you! The other day when I was home alone after the Iowa case, I took a quick nap before you came back, and when I got up, I was so exhausted I thought I was here! With eyes at half-mast I searched for your bathroom, not mine. Silly me…” Steve chuckled and bit at his bottom lip. Perhaps this was the right time.

"Actually, it’s funny you mention that; I’ve been thinking about how we’ve been going back and forth so much and—." Steve’s phone started loudly playing a heavy metal song he couldn’t identify, and he sighed while answering it.

"How do you keep changing my ringtone, Stark?" Steve mouthed an "I’m sorry" to Pippa as he stood to clear away their plates, holding the phone to his ear with this shoulder.

"My morning’s booked— training new recruits then therapy at 11… Yeah, I could get Clint to cover with the new recruits." Steve pulled on his sneakers, and started tying them. "Oh yeah? Well, I don’t know of anyone from the Southern division. I’m on my way now." He hung up the call, and grabbed his bag. When he saw Pippa’s eyebrow arched in that way, he knew she wanted to know but wouldn’t come out and ask him, he saw no reason to keep it from her.

"Well, it seems some agents from Virigina came up and one of them has requested to work specifically with Stark and me. But, he wouldn’t say why, just that the agent felt like she knew us already. You ready to go?"

Rolling her eyes, Pippa couldn’t help smirking at the secrecy of the agent. “Let me guess, yet another superhero fan who absolutely must work with the Avengers?”

 _"Too bad for our lunch,"_ she thought as she followed him out of the apartment with her bag, each of them holding their own helmet, and sat behind him on the bike. She wondered what was going on that she hadn’t been informed of yet. She was always called in for missions involving the Avengers.

“At least when Stark is with you, I don’t have to worry too much about what he’s doing!” she laughed, squeezing her arms around Steve as he drove them to work.


	2. Chapter 2

Ten minutes later they were parking in front of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters and saluting their colleagues who were used to their routine. Just like any other day, they got into the same elevator, and squeezed each other’s hands with a whispered, “Be safe,” just before Steve stepped off. Just like any other day, Pippa stayed on to the 7th floor, walked briskly to her office, and then quickly texted him [ _I love you_ ] because she never knew what kind of trouble the day would bring.

\--

"There’s something I need to tell you because I don’t believe in ambushes." Natasha intercepted him in the hallway before he reached the meeting room Stark had told him to go to.

Steve gave her a look and she clarified, “Well, not for you. There are two agents in there with Stark, but you need to know you don’t have to work with them if you don’t want to. If it is too much. And…"

The door opened and the three walked out. Steve saw the female agent’s face but immediately shook off the feeling of deja vu.

"Captain Rogers, it’s a pleasure. My Aunt Margaret has told me all about you." The agent extended her hand to shake with a devilish smile.

"Your Aunt Margaret?"

"Rogers, this is Agent 13, Sharon Carter." Tony introduced with an expression Steve couldn’t identify. Then he put it together and the color drained from his face. He stood there dumbfounded until Agent 13 took him by the elbow back into the meeting room, talking about a mission she was just sure he would be the best man for. Steve turned to look for Natasha as the door was about to close, but she was already down the hallway heading towards the offices.

After the initial shock wore off, Steve sat through the foundation meeting without incident, almost cold. The mission seemed pretty straight forward, but he couldn’t figure out why, objectively, Stark and he were pegged for the assignment. It was odd.

The meeting felt especially odd as Agent 13, who had insisted Steve call her Sharon, but that felt odd, too, kept giving Steve side compliments and touching his arm. Each time, Steve saw Stark roll his eyes. When it was almost 1100 hours, Steve cleared his throat.

"I’m sorry, but I think we should adjourn for now; there are a lot of things to think about, and I have a meeting I can’t skip." Steve stood and acknowledged the others in the room.

\--

The second meeting of the day ended at 10:47, precisely three minutes before the debrief of the Omega exploration team started. Pippa left the room, tablet in hand, and rushed to the closest coffee machine. She whistled between her fingers at Sitwell who was there, sipping his coffee like he had nothing better to do and the level six agent pressed two buttons to start brewing her coffee -black, no milk, no sugar. The Styrofoam cup was ready as soon as she had crossed the corridor.

“Thank you,” she smiled.

“It’s okay,” Sitwell replied with a dramatic sigh. “You would have done the same for me. What are you up to?”

Pippa looked at her watch, two minutes left. “Meetings, meetings, endless meetings and now I’m gonna debrief with the Omega team. I can already hear the long hour of chit chatting to tell me they haven’t found anything interesting in the jungle.”

“Oh, really? I would have thought you’d be in on the Southern Division meeting. I mean…” Sitwell shrugged, genuinely surprised.

“What do you mean?” Pippa sighed. Ninety-seconds left, she burnt her tongue with the acrid coffee.

“Everyone is dying to meet Agent 13. Have you seen her yet? They say she’s gorgeous.”

Pippa frowned, not sure she understood. “Agent 13? You mean Sharon Carter?” She shook her head, forgetting about the debrief and put down her half-empty cup. “And they want her to work with Steve?!”

“Don’t be so jealous,” Sitwell joked with a chuckle.

“ _Jealous_? You think you know women so well,” Pippa snapped, pointing a finger toward his chest. “One of my men has to deal with someone that will remind him of a traumatic past. This is not jealousy to wanna be warned, I’m a great handler when people let me handle tricky situations like this.”

“Uh, come on Coulson, I was just joking…!” the agent apologized weakly but Pippa was already storming out of the room.

“Then joke another day!”

During the last ten seconds before the debrief, Pippa hesitated, wondering if she should reschedule and call Steve, or let him deal with his own problems without her interfering. But agent Coulson knew only one way to not interfere, and as she sat at the meeting table she sent Barton a message.

[ _Keep an eye on Steve for me?_ ]

Ten minutes later, she got confirmation that he was at his therapist’s office and out of sight for Clint.

\--

"How many anxiety attacks did you have this week, Steve?" Dr. Seltsam asked while writing things down on his notepad.

"I didn’t have any," Steve smiled. He felt like he was really making progress with having Pippa in his life and working with this therapist, Steve’s third in the past year.

"Good, the tools are helping?"

"Yes, the focused breathing and muscle tensing has helped. It seems that I’m not getting as many triggering situations."

"And do you think there will be anything this next week that may be a potential problem?"

"Well, I’m going to meet some of Pippa’s friends tonight at a bar, and I don’t want to do something that I’ll disappoint her or embarrass her. So, I’m a little anxious about that."

"Hmmmm… do you feel your anxiety is stemming from your being more open about being a homosexual?"

Steve pulled his head back a bit like he had been slapped. "No, I don’t… I… I wouldn’t identify myself as, as that."

"It’s ok, Steve. There is nothing wrong with—"

"I know there’s nothing wrong with being gay. I’ve _always_ known that." Steve crossed his arms across his chest and his voice became more defensive. “I just wouldn’t call myself gay; I’m in a relationship with Pippa. I’m in love with Pippa."

"You won’t progress until you acknowledge and accept what you are. Since we’ve been meeting, you haven’t talked about any attraction you’ve had to any women since waking up and how else would you label your loving someone who is a man?"

Steve clenched his jaw and walked out of the office without saying another word. As he passed the medical receptionist, he let out a sigh and double backed.

"I… I need to speak with someone else for my next appointment. Not Dr. Seltsam, please."

"That just leaves Dr. Crane, but I think you’ll like him, Captain. He’s new, a bit younger than the rest of them, but he’s nice."

Steve smiled as he thanked her and then pulled out his phone, quickly typing a message to Pippa:

[ _Are we able to eat lunch together? Weird morning, and I need to talk with you._ ] 

\--

When by the end of the predictably useless meeting she received Steve’s message, Pippa started to worry and replied with a pathetic parody of a light-hearted text.

[ _Grab your lunch and come to my office, handsome! :)_ ]


	3. Chapter 3

She waited for him, sending a few emails to postpone her conference call for the afternoon, and as he pushed the door open, she could see the worry on his brow. He tried to hide it behind a serious mask, but Pippa had seen him laughing, relaxed against her and happy when they cuddled. She was starting to know him better and could see right through it.

“Hey, Honey,” she smiled and kept telling herself, “ _Don’t talk about it, don’t talk about it, don’t talk about it!_ " With a breath, she finally managed, “How are you doing?” He shut her door and then leaned in to give her a kiss on her cheek, staying perhaps a beat longer than was usual. 

"I’m having such an off morning, and I just…" He moved to pull a chair up to the desk and opened his lunch, frowning at it. "I hate it when people think they know what I want but that I’m somehow too stupid to figure it out for myself. I’m a grown man;" his voice growing louder. “I know what I want, and I don’t need to ask others if it is ok or even their opinion on it at all!" He looked up to see her confused and worried face, and immediately shrank back and softened his words.

"I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to yell." He reached out to softly hold her hand. “I’m just so frustrated and confused— I walked out of my meeting with Stark and… um… the other agents and then did it again with Dr. Seltsam during our session. I am sure I’m going to get a reprimand from Fury about it, but I feel like people are not listening to me and trying to meddle and control and label what you and I have for their own purposes…" Steve took a breath to calm down, and gave a wobbly smile.

"Hey, hey… what the hell?" Pippa frowned, putting down her sandwich. “Someone didn’t mind their own business?" She didn’t know if she was sad because this was bound to happen now that everybody knew about them, or was furious that someone would hurt Steve. 

"There are only two people in our relationship, you and me. You don’t have to justify your feelings, or... or anything to anyone. I know people might see us as a strange couple but we don’t care. Right?” She touched his cheek as he nodded his head. Her words were more to convince herself than anything. This was her fault; she knew it. She was forcing the cutest man in the agency to be labeled as the Ugly Duckling’s Boyfriend, slowly ruining his reputation by not being more discreet, more feminine, more acceptable. She squeezed his hand and tilted her head with a fake positive smile.

"Of course you’re a grown man! You make your own choices and people have to respect that. You’re free to do what you want, this is what we fight for! Don’t let those who are jealous of what we have spoil your day."

"Free to do what I want…" Steve repeated back to her while looking at his food again, using a carrot stick to ‘draw’ a nonsense pattern on his napkin. "Pippa, this morning, before Stark called, I wanted to ask you something. Now, I know you’re a modern woman, and independent, and wanted to not rush into anything, but…" His head was still tilted down, but his eyes looked up to meet hers.

Pippa had a strange feeling when Steve started talking, so serious and focused. She didn’t want a serious talk, not yet. She didn’t know what this was about, but she sure she wasn’t ready. She wanted to crawl under the desk or run toward a nuclear bomb, things much less scarier than whatever Steve was about to ask. 

"I love you so much, and I want us to move in together. I thought we could buy a new apartment— together. It would save money and we wouldn’t be forgetting stuff at the other place or getting disoriented and…" Steve rolled his chair to be closer, putting his arm around her small waist. “I just can barely stand being away from you; I want to make a home with you because when I’m with you, it feels like I’m home already."

At his touch, she lost her calm and joined her hands in front of her mouth. "Oh don’t say that!" she blurted with a squeal, suddenly blushing like a school girl. “Are you serious? Ha, of course you’re serious! You… you… you-you really want to…?" She took his hands and bit her bottom lip, so giddy she almost forgot she was at work. “Do you really think you can handle me? All the time? 24/7?" she chirped, eyes shining with delight.

Steve laughed. “Of course I want to! And, I’ve handled worse. You? You’re not bad at all." He brought their hands up so he could kiss at her fingers. 

"This morning when Agent 13 was being so…" he paused trying to come up with the most polite words, “handsy and forward, I kept thinking about how right it feels when I’m with you. That just holding your hand thrills me. I like waking up snuggled up next to you. I love kissing you. It’s you, Pippa. I want you, all the time, 24/7."

He was kind and loving, and said things that every person would have loved to hear but Pippa couldn’t help focusing on some phrases. Her eyes narrowed, and she tried not to sound too jealous.

"Handsy and forward?" she repeated suspiciously before correcting, licking her lips, “You know it’s not just men who must act like gentlemen; if you think she’s having an inappropriate behavior towards you, you can tell her to stop."

She kissed his palm with a soft smile, not even realizing she hadn’t answered his question yet; she was boiling inside. How could that young idiot of an agent think it was a good idea to treat Steve like any of her usual colleagues? If she wanted to fondle, couldn’t she do it to someone who was used to modern women, someone who hadn’t been in love with her aunt 70 years ago? 

It was a struggle for most people not to reach out reverently to Steve’s impressive body. Hell, Pippa herself wanted to touch Steve all the time because his skin was soft as a baby’s, his frame solid enough to make you feel good, and it was wonderful to lean on him. But damn, no matter her rank, if Agent 13 made her man uncomfortable, Pippa was not going to let it go!

Steve swallowed and tried to take a breath. He felt like a dolt, it was just another situation he didn’t understand, and he had planned to ask his therapist about Agent 13’s behavior but had become too angry before he could.

"I just thought… she’s Southern and its a cultural thing or a modern thing. It’s probably me… I- I’m misreading something again. I felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable, especially if this goes through.

"I’m glad you had time for us to meet; I really needed to see your beautiful face and talk about this mission they want me for. I-- I don’t want to go to England, not for this. I just don’t feel completely comfortable around Agent 13," he added meekly to his rambling.

Pippa tried to contain her annoyance, Steve seemed already disturbed enough, she didn’t want to make the situation worse. Thinking methodically and reasonably, she tried to sound cool and collected.

"Maybe you didn’t read her actions correctly, or she doesn’t realize she’s acting too familiarly, I can’t say. During my first mission in France, I almost broke the nose of a guy who tried to kiss me on the cheeks to say hello. Everyone makes mistakes." Leaning back against her chair she dipped a celery stick in yogurt sauce.

"As for the mission it’s up to you. According to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s procedures, you can refuse a case if you think it’s not relevant, or that you’re not needed there. Stark does it all the time! But, you will need to justify the request in front of your superiors."

"No, you’re right. It’s me. It’s most likely just in my head; no one else seemed to notice so… I should go. I was requested for this mission, and I wouldn’t be able to really explain my not wanting to go so… I should go. I am supposed to go when called up, right? I’ll go." Steve was staring off into the distance and nodding his head in affirmation. He then tried to shake off the returned odd feeling from earlier.

Pippa fought the lump in her throat at his decision, always worried when he left. She tried to keep her composure, although she hated to use her professional diplomatic face for him, she didn’t want to show her feelings. Separations were always difficult, she didn’t need to add her own insecurities to the moment.

"But don’t think I didn’t notice your tactical shift in topics; you know I’m not going anywhere until you give me an answer to my question." He tried to smile playfully at Pippa and swiped a celery stick from her pile.

"Your question? Which one? Last week when you asked if I liked it when you kissed my neck? Yesterday when you asked if I wanted pasta or rice? This morning when you asked which tie you should wear?" she teased with a cocky smile. Steve only raised an eyebrow in playful annoyance. 

As she pushed back a strand of hair behind Steve’s ear she smiled. “Yes, I will move in with you. I may even start searching for apartments to visit for when you come back, some place not too far from HQ just in case… with a real studio for you… perhaps a room for some gym equipment? And a _huge_ closet for me."

A genuine smile broke across Steve’s face. Of course, he wanted more than just this, but he also knew her— she was more cautious than he was. He would respect that and was going to wait until the right time to give her the ring he had hidden in his nightstand at home. This was a big enough step already for the both of them.

"I expected nothing less than you to take complete charge and have this perfectly organized. But, I don’t need a whole studio, just a place for a desk would be enough for me. Two parking spots, and yes, you definitely do need a very big closet." He kissed her cheek and took a drink of his water. “So, I leave for London tomorrow early and hopefully will be back in less than a week. It’s just an undercover recon. Tonight I shouldn’t stay out too late, but I’m still really excited about meeting your friends after work."

She nodded politely, thinking that no matter what he said, he would get a room entirely for himself, he deserved it. Then the brief thought of passionate “fonduing" on their own personal gym bench thrilled her for a few seconds before it was swiped by the announcement of his departure and the reminder of tonight’s event.

She tried to distract herself with some sweet gossips about Natasha and Clint during the last part of their lunch, feeding Steve cherry tomatoes and enjoying every precious second with him. When he left after kissing her cheek, Pippa followed him and stopped him at the door, wrapping her arms around his torso from behind.

"I love you, handsome…" she whispered seductively in his ear and kissed his neck, leaving a bright red lipstick stain to mark her territory. For everybody, and one person in particular, to remember he wasn’t single. It was just a simple precaution.

Steve left feeling better and his afternoon slipped by rather quickly: a training session, some time at the firing range, and then the final planning meeting about the recon mission for the next day. Agent 13 was glaring at him with narrowed eyes, but when he would turn to face her, she would switch back to a pleased smile.

After most of the technical logistics were worked out, she passed him his kit that had his fake passport, documentation about the mob boss whom they were trying to get, and a shiny gold ring.

"What’s—?" Steve started.

"Congratulations, Cap, it was a beautiful ceremony. You two make a lovely couple, but it’s a rookie mistake to have another woman’s shade on your neck in front of the wife," Stark teased. Steve touched the spot where Pippa had kissed him, and tried not to smile too much, to at least act a little ashamed as he wiped at it with his handkerchief, but in truth it delighted him.

"It’s the best way to stay low-profile at the exclusive spa we believe the boss is staying," Agent 13 clarified, and raised her left hand with a matching ring.

"Oh…" the uncomfortable feeling he had that morning returned, but he pushed it aside. There was an assignment; he had his orders. “And Stark?"

"Everyone knows who I am; no use of pretending to be there with someone not Pepper. I’ll be a great distraction while you two actually find the intel. I must say, a week at one of the premiere spas sure beats some of the other places I’ve had to go for this organization." Tony smiled and started typing on his phone, not looking up anymore.

\--

Between two meetings, Pippa resisted the temptation to study the case on which Steve would work. She wasn’t going to be there, she had enough work to do in New York anyway, and it was useless to enter her password to access the file. At least that’s what she repeated to herself as she accessed the encrypted folder. At the last second, she refused to open the file, not wanting to be the creepy stalking girlfriend, and got up to see Fury in his office.

As she walked by the open plan of the third floor, she saw Steve across the room, his back turned on her, talking to Stark and Agent 13. Pippa couldn’t even guess what they were discussing, but she felt a bit strange seeing the beautiful young woman next to him. She was pretty indeed. 

She saw the other agents and secretaries at their desks looking at them with curiosity and admiration like they would have gazed at a famous couple-- the kind of appreciative looks that she had never felt on her when she was with him. Everybody knew they were together, but they didn’t think them a good match. Some women in the locker room didn’t even hide their disapproval. Steve Rogers deserved better than a faux-girl who was old enough to be his mother.

Pippa shook her head to chase some bad feelings away and tried not to think too much about it as she finished her tasks for the day. Carter was not a better match for Steve. Pippa tried her best to make him happy, she comforted him when he had nightmares, she listened to him. She was good enough…

The little bit of doubt was starting to grow, and this was setting up to be a very long week. At least tonight she would be out, in the safest place, with lovely people and even lovelier cocktails. Even if they didn’t stay out too long, she would have an occasion to let go of the pressure and perhaps even show Steve a more festive version of herself. 

\--

When he finally got out of the meeting, Steve quickly showered and got ready in the men’s locker room. Just as he was about to leave, he looked at his stained handkerchief again and smiled thinking of Pippa. He tucked it into his kit for the next day, happy to know that he would be able to have a bit of her with him when he was going to be so far away. He closed his locker and went to find Pippa for their evening plans. She joined him next to his bike in the parking garage, having changed her straight shirt and jacket for a more evening suitable, sequined, off-the-shoulder top.

“Ready, Sweetheart?” he asked while starting the engine. 

“You bet,” she answered and held on tightly to his solid frame.


	4. Chapter 4

Pippa wanted to warn Steve that he might get unwanted attention from men, women, and people whose gender he wouldn’t probably identify, but she didn’t want to make him more nervous. In the end, she didn’t even get a chance to tell him anything, so she just held his arm and crossed her fingers for things to go well.

When they walked into the bar, Steve felt most of his anxieties melt away. It wasn’t terribly crowded as it was still early, but there were all kinds of people there dancing and having a good time, and the positive energy was immediately infectious. He also noticed that most of the people were nearer Pippa’s age which also helped. Being around younger people always made him feel awkward. He may have looked in his twenties, but he certainly did not act or really think like the modern 28 year-olds he had met.

Pippa lead him near the back where the large private booths were. As they approached a table with a gathering already there drinking, the group caught sight of the couple and all cheered “Pippa!" in delightful unison.

"Guys!" she exclaimed with a happy grin. “So, this is Steve and he’s mine, don’t even think about it.” She playfully pointed a warning finger at one of the women who was already making eyes at Steve. 

“Steve, this is John and Lennart whose engagement we’re celebrating tonight. Rachel, Sophia, and Molly, she’s a hero…"

"Oh stop that!" Molly protested, blushing slightly while John explained to Steve that she was their own local legend since she had slapped a cop at Stonewall. Pippa turned to Rachel and the two women hugged each other before their usual ritual: five long minutes of complimenting their attires, their silhouettes, and how gorgeous hormone therapy made them look. As they sat, the friendly inquisition began almost immediately.

"So what do you do, Steve?" John started.

"I’m a trainer."

"Oh that explains why Pippa’s looking so well… you must be getting lots of _exercise_ together." He wiggled his eyebrows and Steve wasn’t sure what that meant.

“And where ever did our Pippa find you?" Sophia leaned in.

"I— I actually found her," Steve slightly blushed. “I consult at her work—"

"Do you dance?" Molly asked.

"Well, I’m not that grea—"

"What’ll ya have, Sweetie?" a deep voice asked. Steve looked up to the very tall waitress with big hair and extravagant makeup.

"Oh… um… a Blue Moon, and a bottle of champagne for the table, please…" He handed her his credit card and then circled his finger around the table, “and everybody’s next round is on my tab." Steve felt a bit nervous as the the whole table now stared at him. 

"Oh, Pippa, he’s buying us drinks? I love him already." Lennart winked. Steve slipped an arm around Pippa and pulled her a bit closer to him, smiling his most charming smile. Pippa melted against his side, unable to resist. She placed a hand on his shoulder and looked at her friends.

"And the best part is finding a man who will not take advantage of me if I come home tipsy," she confessed in a light tone. “A real gentleman."

"A guy taking advantage of you?" Sophia snorted. “I’d be more worried of what you would do to such a pretty boy!" Pippa held Steve closer as they both laughed, and finally started to relax. Everything would be okay, Steve didn’t seem too surprised by all the couples around the room or the music. 

After half an hour of chatting and drinking, she wiggled on her seat and announced she was going to the bathroom, immediately followed by Molly. She would have preferred to avoid the mandatory girl talk, but she knew from the way the other women around the table looked at her she couldn’t escape it tonight.

"So?" Molly asked as soon as they were done washing their hands in the sinks of the unisex bathroom. “What’s the problem? He’s gorgeous, he’s sweet, he’s got money, and he looks at you like you’re the love of his life. Tell me his flaws! Let me guess, he’s not great in bed?"

"That’s none of your business!" Pippa pouted, sticking her tongue out, already buzzing. “For the moment I haven’t found a single thing I don’t like about him. And as for the other… thing, we’re not there yet." Molly crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. 

“Like I’m gonna believe you! You’re so close to this piece of art and you’ve never touched the paint? That’s not the Pippa I know."

"That Pippa was much younger," she sighed softly. “A bunch of assholes changed everything. It’s all so perfect with him, you know. This Pippa isn’t eager to see his face when I’m naked for the first time in front of him." She looked away but Molly gently brushed her cheek. 

“Still that old complex of yours, uh? You gotta stop, Pippa; this one’s fond of you. He won’t freak out. You’ve been together for almost three months, what do you imagine? That he’s never noticed anything? That he doesn’t feel you when he holds you? And yet look, he’s still here."  
Pippa opened her mouth but Molly kept talking. 

“And what if he’s a bit surprised at first? It doesn’t take a genius to see that little puppy hasn’t seen many naked women in his life, cis or not. He would probably freak out even in front of me you know." This time Pippa couldn’t help smiling, forced to admit Molly was probably right. She just didn’t want to screw up, what they had together was too perfect.

"Thank you, you’re better than a therapist…" she smiled. 

“And cheaper, too!” Molly added and dragged Pippa back out. As Pippa and Molly made their way back to the table, they saw Steve was sitting by himself at the table swaying and bobbing his head to the music, nursing his beer with a pleased smile.

"Where’d everybody go?" Molly asked. When the two women approached, Steve rose to his feet and kissed Pippa on the cheek.

"They got excited when a song came on and went to dance. I said I’d hold down the fort, and let you know when you came back." It had been a convenient excuse, but in truth, he was worried Pippa would be upset if Steve was dancing with someone else. A worry heightened by Steve’s feeling guilty about the impending mission of pretending to be married to Agent 13. 

"Whatya say we join them?" Steve placed his coaster on top of his drink and escorted the two of them to where the others in their party were dancing, his hand firmly on the small of Pippa’s back. He wanted to hold on to her as much as he could that night, trying to store up the memories for the long week ahead.


	5. Chapter 5

Pippa was pleasantly surprised when Steve suggested a dance; she hadn’t expected him to be so comfortable around people he didn’t know. She was happy though because she hadn’t realized how she had missed going out with her friends, getting work and her problems out of her mind for a while. As she stepped to the side to wave at a boy she knew, a man in his thirties, visibly drunk, swayed to her.

"Hey darling, I’m looking for a girl with a dick…" he mumbled, visibly proud of himself. Pippa rolled her eyes and pushed him with two fingers, a look of disdain on her face. 

“Well, you can date just any girl you find then…"

"With you, she’ll be a girl with a dick," Molly added as if they had perfected their comeback through repetition, grabbing both Pippa and Steve’s waists to take them to the dance floor. They let out a loud laugh to hide the pain of still meeting such a creep after all these years. But they were in one of the rare places where they would be supported when one of them was insulted.

When they reached the other dancers, Pippa faced Steve before she started swaying her hips in rhythm with the music. She never broke eye contact and hoped he loved what he saw, even if it wasn’t perfect.

After the third song finished, Steve was set to take Pippa back to the table. Her cheeks were red from the dancing and the heat of the dance floor- it had been packed. But as the DJ transitioned to “More than Words,”a slow ballad from the 80s, the herd thinned, and her face lit with recognition. He couldn’t resist her imploring look, so instead, he took her in his arms and started swaying to the beat.

"I like your friends," he spoke into her ear. “They’re nice. Lennart is insistent I join his bowling league." He gave Pippa a slow twirl and brought her back in, close to his body.

"Don’t worry he asks pretty much everyone who looks athletic to join his team," Pippa smiled. “You don’t have to accept."

"Maybe I will nonetheless. I like bowling, and it’s good practice for shield throws.” They made their way around the floor, and Steve could tell Pippa’s muscles were more pliant. 

“Is this ok? I— This is my first time, you know— dancing with a girl in front of other people. I hope I’m not embarrassing you, that you’re having a good time tonight." She let out a happy sigh as Steve pulled her against him. She felt so good, she had no words, it was just perfect. A few moments of insouciance before their rough week ahead.

"Of course I’m having a good time, you wouldn’t believe," she assured, inevitably moved by the lyrics of the song. “You could be the worst dancer ever that I wouldn’t be ashamed of you. You’re just what I need right now. Best three months in my life." And raising on her toes she kissed his cheek tenderly, her arms around his neck to hold him close. 

"How about we go back home?" she whispered against his ear. “I don’t want to share you all evening."

"As you wish." He went to settle his tab at the bar, and then they said their goodnights to the group. When they were out in the cool night air, she seemed not quite herself, remarkably more relaxed and happier than he had ever seen. Steve he held her face in his hands, stroking at her cheek with his thumb, looking at how her eyes focused.

"How much champagne did you have, Sweetheart? I can’t have you falling off the back of my bike. National hero or not, Fury would kill me. You can sit in my lap, and I’ll hold you."

"I think you’re mistaking me for someone else," Pippa chuckled, unable to suppress a giggle when he mentioned sitting in his lap. “I am perfectly fine. Just a little… hungry." She looked around and spotted a small bakery at the corner of the street. “Here, let’s eat a little something, and then you can bring Cinderella back way before midnight." She took his hand and pulled him towards the shop. 

Pippa hesitated for a while in front of the menu before she decided the time spent dancing and training today allowed her to succumb to the salmon bagel. But once Steve had placed his order, she swiftly handed the cashier a couple of bills.

"It’s on me, Sweetheart," she smiled to her boyfriend, fluttering her lashes. “Because I’m gonna miss you. So, I get to pay."

"That’s hardly fair!" Steve mock-protested. “I’m gonna miss you, too, probably more than you’ll miss me. You’ll be free to do all the things I keep you away from… and be looking at apartments. You’re going to have a such a great week without me following you around like a lost puppy, it’ll just fly by." Steve chuckled, but in his heart, he was already missing her. He saw there was just the smallest dab of cream cheese on her cheek near her mouth from the bite she had taken.

"Oh, you got a little something right…" He looked around to see if anyone was looking, then kissed the spot, just barely using his tongue to lick it off. When he pulled back, he was slightly blushing, but smirking nonetheless.

"What?" he tried in his most innocent voice. “There aren’t any napkins around." Pippa’s heart missed a beat and she hid a soft laugh behind her hand.

"It’s okay, " she winked. “I can’t resist a guy who uses his tongue." She raised her eyebrows, surprised at her own reply that had sounded more cheekier out loud than she expected. She kept telling herself she wasn’t really worried about the mission he was going on with Carter, but she knew the week would be strange anyway, and the remaining fog of alcohol made her braver. 

She wanted to make that last night special. She was determined to give him something to think about when he would be overseas. She had all the time to think about it before they’d be home, but sadly she knew the more she did think on it, the more she risked to worry and back out.

"I already feel better, see?" she smiled, licking her fingers.

"I— I—" Steve felt like his brain was shorting out from the one-two punch of her comment and then what she was now doing with her fingers— on top of the way they had been dancing all night. He licked at his bottom lip and formulated his plan. He needed immediately to get them back home and then have his nightly shower where he could “take care" of himself. 

After all these weeks, he still wasn’t sure if she knew he did that. He didn’t want her to feel like she owed him something or that she was required to do things she wasn’t ready for. This was the best solution he had to calm himself down enough to get to sleep while laying next to her.

In his mind, he could stand by the promise he made on their first date— he would be happy if this is all it ever was and they never went further than what they already had. But she hadn’t been so flirty in public before, and it was torturous to think of his relief being at least a half hour away. He put on his best smile and offered his arm.

"I think we should head back home then-- if you promise you’ll hold on tight."

"Always hold on to you," Pippa smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

As they were driving home, she tried not to think about it but failed miserably. She needed to rationalize. _They hadn’t even had the talk about sex. Did Steve even know about the necessary preparations she would need before?_ Her fuzzy mind tried to remember if the small bottle of lubricant she had in her drawer was still good or if it had expired. It had been awhile after all. 

_During his quick reeducation from S.H.I.E.L.D. after waking up, had someone told Steve about modern STDs and condoms? Not that they were really needed with their obvious monogamy and S.H.I.E.L.D.’s regular checkups, but maybe he would want to do things by the book. Best to give him a good example just in case he was with someone else one day, someone else like Agent 13._

Pippa shook her head under the comfortable helmet. Damn, why did she have to think about that now? She had had too many drinks to even think about going all the way, and she didn’t want to risk a probable failure followed by a mandatory separation where Steve would be traveling with such a gorgeous woman. 

_Stop over-planning._ She followed him upstairs, memorizing every time his hands touched her hips, the small of her back, every stolen kiss, all these moments that belonged to her alone.

 _Stop over-thinking._ They closed the door, turned on the lights. Upon entering his apartment, Steve had gone to the fridge, digging around to get some water or Gatorade for Pippa to drink.

 _Stop thinking._ Pippa took off her shoes and started to walk to the bed. She grabbed a pair of satin night short folded on a chair, put them on and then let her dress slip down the floor in heap. There was only one short second of hesitation when her fingers found the front opening of her bra. 

_Don’t think, just do it._ The bra fell on the floor. Her heart was racing. She turned around, leaned on the bed with a smile she hoped was confident enough.

 _Oh gosh why are you so nervous it’s not as if there was something to see there._ "I’m gonna skip the shower tonight, will have all time to do it in the morning when you’re gone. But you can do as you wish, please, I don’t want you to be late tomorrow."

"I’m going to just take a quick one and wash out the smoke from the bar… outta… my… hair…" Steve trailed off as he turned and saw her on the bed. He internally chided himself for not wearing jeans that night as his khakis were doing nothing to conceal how aroused he was now. He felt like a teenager unable to control his body’s reactions as his mind was running through the hundreds of different scenarios he had thought about before.

He pulled himself together enough to turn and arrange his pants so at least they weren’t tenting anymore. Steve then walked slowly to her, trying to keep his eyes on just her face, failing spectacularly and blushing deeper. He wasn’t sure why it embarrassed him so, she was his girlfriend— they were moving in together!— of course she would arouse him; it would be weirder if that wasn’t how it worked.

Steve was still overcautious about his body, hyper-aware of how intimidating he could be physically, so he had been extra mindful to never push or ask for anything, delighted to follow her more experienced lead. But now he wasn’t sure what his next move was supposed to be. "I— I got you something to drink," his voice cracked and he winced from embarrassment.

Pippa couldn’t deny she had sometimes thought, after reading one of her comic books, about Captain America and herself. She fantasized about the hero holding her up against the wall, manly and confident, pulling down her underwear so she didn’t have a choice but surrender to him despite her fears. Those were just silly dreams, and she had to admit Steve’s shyness touched her. He was endearing, adorable; this was real, and she loved to be the one to make him blush and stammer.

"Thank you," she grinned as she got up to take the bottle from his hand. She placed a finger on his slightly parted lips. “I say, you should go take that quick shower." She stepped back with a soft smile. “And send an SOS if you need help to scrub your back."

"Pippa" he softly whispered, reached out to her, and in one motion lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He kissed at her neck and collarbone, trying to work his way back up to her lips while holding her by her thighs up high on his body to avoid rubbing his stiff cock against her.

She tilted her head back and bit her lower lip. His lips on her skin were warm, making her arch against him. She softly tugged at his hair and kissed him hungrily, moaning loudly against his tongue; no need to remember not to think, she couldn’t have if she tried.

Steve steadied himself and tucked his arm under her so now she was basically sitting on his forearm. It shifted her up another few inches and he had to tilt his head back to look into the eyes he so adored.

"I love you so much," he panted, not feeling this out of breath since when he had asthma. His free hand caressed up and down her spine, ensuring that she wouldn’t fall if she suddenly lost her balance. He sucked a love bite low on her neck and then mouthed down to her sternum. When he reached the faint white scar there, he paused and looked back up to her. "Is this ok?"

Pippa clung to his shoulders and traced the contours of his face with her fingertips, nodding to grant him permission to go further.

"You really are a guy full of surprises," she sighed as he kissed her scar respectfully. Strands of blond hair brushed the curves of her breasts and her nipples that she didn’t know could be so sensitive. _How long had it been since she was touched so gently?_ Steve’s kisses were delicate yet audacious enough, the kind of touch she had desired. She sometimes felt so deprived from affection, right now it was almost too much.

"You’re the one full of surprises, Sweetheart… all posed like a pin up on the bed after a whole night of being so…" he sucked the air through his teeth and bucked slightly when she kissed at the soft spot behind his ear. “So flirty and…"

As she arched and wiggled in Steve’s arms, his face too close to her lower stomach, she felt a rush of worry she tried to control. “Hey Honey, back to the bed, maybe?"

Once Steve had put her down softly on the mattress, still covering her with kisses, Pippa rolled him on his back and straddled one of his thighs. She started to kiss his lips, his throat and shoulders while running her nails down his sides. Taking care of him distracted her from her worries but she knew she couldn’t run away forever.

He sat up when she started untucking his shirt, undid the top buttons, and then helped pull it off over his head. He held her face in his hands, trying to hide his worry of disappointing her.

"So beautiful." He kissed her passionately and moaned when she sucked at his bottom lip. It felt great to be pressed against her, the warmth of their skin touching. When she pinned him back flat onto the bed, his eyes were wide. “What’s gotten into you tonight?" 

She wanted to tell him how worried she was about that week, that he would be away with a woman who was probably interested in him, and it wasn’t even specifically about Agent 13 because almost all women were interested in him. She couldn’t express how she wanted him to stay and forget about England and missions and agents who “absolutely wanted to work with him.”

But she couldn’t be so possessive and worried all the time so she kissed his lips, settled between his legs, and asked with an innocent pout, “Is it a crime that a girl loves her man so much she wants to make him feel good?"

"You always make me feel good," Steve whispered as he closed his eyes and tried to calm down. Each touch and kiss she gave him felt electric and so great, he bit at his swollen lips to counter the fuzzy pleasure building in him.

She kissed his jaw, his throat again. “Is it a crime that a girl…" She punctuated her sentences with small kisses and nibbles on his chest, between his pecs. "… finds her man’s body so stunning she wants to devour him?" She licked a strip from his collarbone to his ear.

"Because then I might be guilty," she added, sitting back on her heels with an insistent look at his crotch. “But my man seems to like that."

"You know, as Captain America, it’s my job to go after guilty parties…" he teased.

"Does it mean," she purred against his neck. "that I should be a repeat offender so you will always come after me?" She kept her back arched instinctively to avoid unwanted contact with her stomach, just as she always did, like a survival trick. She knew there was nothing to fear from Steve, yet she did it without even thinking.

"I just wanna give you good memories before your trip," Pippa said, licking her lips nervously. “Here’s the thing: just like when we sleep if you ever feel uncomfortable, you tell me, we stop. And I’ll do the same." She took one of his warm but too timid hands to place on her breasts. “Do we have a deal?"

Steve nodded his head in agreement, and then gently caressed his hands on the underside of her breasts, the lightest touch that seemed to make her shiver and her nipples grow hard. It suddenly hit Steve what he really wanted; that as they progressed to this next level, he needed to be completely honest with her. She was trusting him, and he needed to trust her, too. She was so strong and wonderful, some of the reasons he loved her so much, there wasn’t a good reason to hide this from her other than Steve’s own pride.

"Pippa," leaned in to kiss over her heart once again, and slightly rested his head there against her chest. “I’m terrified I’m going to disappoint you… intimately… and then I will have ruined both us and your years of admiring Captain America. 

“I’m not sure what will make you feel good and I— I want to see you..." the word caught in this throat and he could feel his whole body become redder "…that is, I want to be the one to bring you all the way home."

While the confession had helped cool him off a bit, vocalizing his desire had made his cock twitch. He looked up to see Pippa’s face scrunched in confusion, and so he screwed his courage up to use the phrasing Bucky and Clint had used so often when not in mixed company, whispering in her ear, "I wanna make you come, Sweetheart."


	7. Chapter 7

Pippa snapped back away from him, wide eyed, her breath coming short. She was surprised and very disoriented. Everything had been good; they had been doing well. She had had a clear vision, almost a plan of attack: kissing, fondling, staying in charge, giving him a good old fashioned hand job, a happy Steve in her bed, and then a little excuse of tiredness and his early morning to cover for her extreme modesty.

But his request was unexpected, unscheduled, and out of her control.

"I-- I don’t know, I…" she stuttered, shaking her head. “I don’t think, uh… it’s just… ah… so soon? I mean, it’s… I didn’t plan…" All of her confidence was gone, and she was panicking. She tried to readjust herself on the bed, and as she awkwardly shifted on the mattress, moving away from him, she lost her balance.

Steve reached to keep her from falling back and almost touched her pelvis when trying to grab her. Pippa was so nervous she simply saw his hand about to touch her groin and instinctively slapped it hard enough to make Steve jerk back. It all happened so fast she only realized afterward what she had done. She teared up, a hand on her mouth. 

“Oh… oh, God!" She jumped out of the bed, walked two step backwards. "Oh God, Steve I’m so- so sorry… I shouldn’t have hit you, oh shit…" She closed her fist on her mouth and tried as hard as she could not to cry. “F-fuck, I’m so sorry; I didn’t want to…" _Didn’t want to freak out, to screw up, to ruin everything, to be an idiot._

Her slap felt like a blast of ice water to his system, a feeling Steve had actual experience in. He looked down at his hand where the skin was red where she had hit. Steve was confused, his mind racing to figure out what had gone so wrong until she said it and then phrase stuck in his mind.

_I didn’t want to…_

Steve felt he was going to be sick as he rationalized what was happening: Pippa thought he had demanded… that he wanted to force himself on her… when he had thought he would use his hands or his mouth and… he had made her so uncomfortable she couldn’t even just vocalize it like they agreed. _Who was he to ask anything from her? She was now crying because he had been too forward. Why didn’t he just go take a shower like any other night?_

"You… you don’t have to apologize, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m… I’m sorry. You should never feel bad about not wanting to… I didn’t mean we’d… and I would _never_ when you didn’t want to.. I…" He looked up and saw that she had stepped even further away from the bed.

A bruise was starting to bloom across his knuckles. He remembered the reprimand his father would say every time he had beaten Steve as a child: _Bad boys like you deserve to be punished._ He had done the thing he had never wanted to do and felt he deserved worse.

"I love you, Pippa. I’m so sorry." He couldn’t even meet her gaze. Pippa quickly swiped tears from her red cheeks but that wasn’t enough to stop the streams. 

“No… no, don’t be, it’s me…" she managed to gasp. Her hands shaking slightly, she walked back to the bed and slowly lowered herself not to seem threatening. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Steve… I didn’t want to hit you, oh this is all kinds of wrong."

She joined her hands in front of her mouth, closed her eyes for a second. She didn’t dare to touch him yet after her offense. “I’m sorry," she sighed. “Sorry I hate myself so much I don’t even allow you to touch me; fuck, I didn’t want to react like this. I was surprised, I just… didn’t expect, and now I’ve hurt the one I love the most.."

"I’m sorry," she repeated like a litany. “I’m sorry I messed up, sorry I’m such a terrible girlfriend…" She reached for Steve, brushed her fingers on his cheek. 

“You’re a wonderful girlfriend, Pippa.” As she saw no sign that he didn’t want her to touch him, she slumped on him and buried her face in his neck, even sadder to embrace him when she might have lost him forever.

"I’m a mess," she whimpered. His words before she broke down had been so sincere, so simple actually. It was the best thing to do, to speak frankly and trust each other. “We-- we need to have a talk; I mean I need it, but I understand if you want me to leave. I can go home if you want me to, it’s-- it’s okay," she lied, knowing that it would never be okay.

"No, please don’t go. Please don’t leave me." He moved to put his arms around her and hold her, but second-guessed himself and found himself unable to even ask if he could touch her again. "Please tell me what to do. What you want me to do…" His voice was starting to break. “I want to be a good man for you."

Pippa stared at him for a while, his wet eyes filled with fear and pain, his slightly quivering bottom lip; she couldn’t resist those. After kissing his brow she retreated, her back against the headboard, and wrapped her arms around her knees. Looking off in the distance, she talked in a cold voice, distant, as if she tried to escape a reality she couldn’t stand.

"Let’s call a spade a spade. I. have. a. penis. and I hate that," she blurted in a despising tone. “I can’t even explain with words how I hate that. I wish I could be like all the girls I know who deal with it, they’re so… so joyful, they always tell me, ‘So what? We’re girls, just a little different; who cares?’ But I’m not so carefree. I used to be more confident, at the beginning I was a real doll.

“But after all these fucked up dates, all these guys and girls who went with me ‘just to try,’ the people who didn’t respect what I don’t like to do, the guys who knew but didn’t want to at the last moment… I don’t wanna see that look of disgust on your face when I’m naked, Steve, you’re way too important for me."

"Pippa," he sighed. “I— I adore you. I would never be disgusted by your body. You’re important to me, too. I…" he bit at his lip and looked down at the bedspread. "I’m serious when I say we would never have to do anything… intimate. That I would be happy for us to be just as we were, but I don’t want you to think that that stance comes from a place of my not desiring you because I do."

"I know," she pouted. “I know you’re so sweet; you probably don’t care and even if you did you would never show it. I just can’t stand to be so… cowardly. I ruined your night--”

“No, you didn’t you--”

“Yes I did. I ruined the mood, and I’m really angry at myself for that. I just wasn’t ready, wasn’t prepared to get naked so soon. I wanted to give you pleasure and get away with it.” She took his hand, entwined their fingers. “Listen, I love you. I do. I love you more than anyone I’ve had in my life right now because you’re kind, gentle, patient, you make me laugh, you’re here when I cry, you have my back… I am in love with you.

"And I would do almost anything for you, the craziest things, except those that terrify me the most-- like being naked. I’ve done it before, and I know when I’m not ready, it never ends well. I would give my life for you without thinking twice. I would even uh… learn to cook, if you want," she added with a sad smile. 

“Pippa, I don’t want you to change for me and I really don’t want you to feel like you owe me something. I never want you to be uncomfortable around me. I’ve spent most of my life not being able to protect the people I love, and like hell I’m not going to do everything in my power to make you happy and safe. I love you, just as you are. I’ll love the woman you’ll be tomorrow and next year and the year after that, and the year after that." Pippa shook her head with a sorry smile.

"That’s not how it works, Honey… you can’t do everything for me and expect nothing in return. I’m your girl, we’re a team. We have to work together to make it okay, I can’t just lounge around with a drink and let you do everything for me." She scooted closer to him and opened her arms to hug him. He covered the rest of the distance between them and gently wrapped his arms around her, kissing at her temples.

"Wasn’t that your plan for tonight?" he asked giving her an eye. “To… help me out and then what? Didja really think I would just roll over and go to sleep without wanting to do the same for you? I know I’m not as experienced as others, but did you think I would be that selfish a lover?"

“Well no, I just… Here, I don’t want to change just to please you, but I want to be able to give you everything you deserve. I know once we’re used to each other it will be great. But after being told for so many years that my body makes me manly, I’m just afraid to break the magic. I have a limited number of things that make me feminine, and once all the fancy clothes are gone, I don’t look like a girl anymore," she sighed, unconsciously placing her chin on her hand in an overly girlish gesture.

"Pippa, Sweetheart, I don’t believe you,” Steve countered in a serious tone. “I know what I see, and I see the way you walk and carry yourself, the curves of your hips and lovely breasts, how you dance, your soft skin, how you interact with others, and your beautiful beautiful face that takes my breath away every time I open my eyes in the morning. It’s not the clothes that make you feminine, it’s just you— you are feminine; nothing can’t break that magic.

"When you— if you ever want to try and prove me wrong, we’ll go from there. But until then, we’ll just keep on as we have been."

For a few seconds, the unflappable Agent Coulson was left speechless, one of the situations she hated the most. Except that this time all of his love, all these overwhelming good feelings made her happier than ever. She rubbed her nose against Steve’s and kissed him softly. No one had ever talked to her like this. She had had understanding partners of course, not all of her relationships were disasters, but no one had actually taken the time to acknowledge that her true self wasn’t just an illusion. 

With a loss of words, she kissed him softly and and with a smile, pulled the covers for them to slip underneath. There was nothing else to talk about that night, and it was late. So just like every night, Steve dressed for bed, double checked the door, turned out the lights, and joined her. 

"I can never thank you enough for putting up with me," she smiled, looking down with pursed lips. “And for the record, I never thought you’d be a bad lover. Not you, never. I just hoped that you’d be a good soldier and follow orders. I should have known that wasn’t something I could count on." She strangely felt closer to him despite the bad turn of events as if the night had made them even more intimate. 

“And what you said earlier, before I lost it, that was really— really sexy. Ask again another time, and I promise I’ll try to be yours." She tucked herself in Steve’s arms, finding her usual position against him.

"We’ll see," he teased and kissed her behind her ear before falling into a dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

It felt like he had just closed his eyes when Steve woke up and saw that it was already 0500. He carefully slipped out of Pippa’s koala bear hold and got dressed in the dark. She looked so angelic sleeping in the moonlight, he would just kick himself to wake her. So instead, he grabbed a loose sheet of paper and wrote her a note:

_Pippa,_  
I will be thinking of you the entire time I’m gone. Be safe.  
I love you. I love you. I love you.  
Yours,  
Steve 

She was now clutching at his pillow, so he left the note next to her phone and kissed her forehead. He was silent as he left the apartment except for the locks clicking back into place once he shut the door.

Steve made his way to HQ by foot, needing the walk to help clear his head and prepare for his mission with Agent 13. However, when he walked past a floral shop that was already open, he couldn’t resist ordering a vase of roses and daisies to be delivered to Pippa that morning with a simple note: _Missing you already. -S_

\--

It had been a really short night; Pippa had closed her eyes, tried to relax, but the bitter taste of failure stayed in her mouth. She couldn’t help going over how she had screwed up, that things would never be good if she didn’t stop being on the defensive. Even when Steve snuggled in his sleep and squeezed her, murmured her name, and kissed her shoulder sleepily, she couldn’t really let go. When she finally fell asleep, way too late, nothing could have awakened her.

Around eight she blinked and felt that she was alone in bed. Her first reaction was to panic-- Steve was gone because of her and her stupids whims; he had realized what kind of hell it would be-- until she remembered the mission. However, thinking about Agent 13 didn’t make her feel that much better.

She found the note next to her phone and read it ten times before breathing again. She could hear his voice saying all those “I love you." It was not so bad. He was fond of her, it was not so bad.

While she prepared for the day alone in his apartment, she felt strange, not really good. A familiar sensation creeping up she remembered hating. It was only when she got to her office and found the bouquet on her desk with his message that she fully realized he wasn’t here and that she really wasn’t okay.

Seeing her reflection on the vase, a lonely old lady who had to stop pretending she was good enough, her armor began to crackle. Even if she replayed in her mind all the sweet things Steve had said last night, the depressive feeling was stronger. She locked her door and slumped on her chair, crying like she hadn’t cried for years.

\--

The plane ride to London was spent with Agent 13, Stark, and Steve going over schematics and technical reports of the spa, trying to pinpoint the best locations to plant bugs and other surveillance equipment. As Steve and Stark were arguing about a small detail over some maps, Agent 13 interrupted.

"Steve! Your hand!!" He quickly pulled back his right hand that still had light bruise from the night before.

"It’s nothing," he murmured, not wanting to come up with a lie to cover it and certainly not wanting to talk about the situation with them.

"Nothing? _Nothing_?" She grabbed his left hand and shook it. “This mission started three hours ago; we are undercover. You need to be wearing the ring at all times. We are on our honeymoon. This’ll only work if we don’t stick out."

"Yeah, cause no one notices the blond Adonis when he walks into any room," Tony sarcastically quipped. “Even a room of heroes and gods, Rogers sticks out." Agent 13 shot him a hateful look, then turned back to Steve with a warmer yet still forced smile.

"Go put on your ring, Steve;" and then a little colder, “that’s an order."

Steve made his way back to his pack, and slipped on the ring that was just slightly too tight, irritating his skin. He saw his handkerchief with Pippa’s shade on it, and his chest hurt a bit. _This was definitely going to be a long week._

\--

No one at S.H.I.E.L.D. really noticed Pippa’s changes; a lower ranked agent asked why she was late to a meeting and she snapped back, “I was working, what did you think, that I’m baking donuts in my office?” 

She went from meeting to meeting, filled a good fifty pages of paperwork, organized her teams’ plans for the next week, and found the time to fly to Canada and back for a debrief. It was almost 11:00 p.m when she found herself out of tasks for the day. She looked around her office, desperately searching for something to do.

After a last minute call to a team in New Zealand, she ate her third cereal bar of the day, drank another Red Bull, and went to the gym. She would do anything not to go home alone. She wasn’t ready yet. She just didn’t want to think. Natasha found her a couple of hours later, punching Steve’s favorite bag.

"What’s wrong with Steve?" Natasha asked. Pippa rolled her eyes, but didn’t turn away from the bag. 

“Nothing. I’m just not tired."

"You’ve been like this all day, Coulson. And that’s his spot." As Pippa, hitting the bag even harder, didn’t reply, Natasha walked away in silence. Just before leaving she gave Pippa a last look.

"You’re my friend. If I hear he’s hurt you from someone else, he’s dead. I want a talk with you, and I’ll get it."

\--

Their plan had worked well for the first day. Stark really was talented at attracting a lot of attention, especially when he was trying. It allowed Agent 13 and Steve to sneak around the facility and even set up a hack into the computers.

Steve was set up in the sitting room of the Honeymoon Suite, looking over the video feeds they now had access to, monitoring the movements of the Mob King’s goons going in and out of the boss’s room.

"We’re getting a couple massage tomorrow," Agent 13 announced as she came out of the bathroom in a short silk robe and toweling her hair. “There aren’t cameras there already, so we’ll need to set up our own."

"Ok, sounds good." Steve curtly replied, not taking his eyes off the computer screens in front of him.

"Which side of the bed do you want?" she asked casually, but Steve heard something else in her tone.

"You can spread out as much as you would like, I’m going to stay here. Stark has the algorithm going for the computer to alert us in case our mark leaves his room, and I want to be able to immediately see where he goes."

"Steve," she moved closer and ghosted her fingers over his shoulders and down his arm, “our cover is that we are on our honeymoon, and you need to be next to me. What would someone think if they came in and saw you on the couch?" Steve sighed and looked at her.

"They would think,” he started gesturing around the room, “after seeing all this equipment, and the guns, and the files, they would think at the very least, the truth— that like many couples, you and I had a disagreement and I ended up sleeping on the couch." His tone clear that there was no use in arguing further.

She stared at him for a few seconds then turned and slammed the French doors to the bedroom. Steve stayed awake for a few more hours until all activity seemed to stop on his surveillance.

He laid down on his side, the couch not deep enough for his broad shoulders, facing the monitors. He counted the hours back and figured Pippa was most likely at home now after her day at the office, maybe looking for apartments, maybe spending time with her girlfriends. He tried to remember the pillow talk he and Pippa would have on nights they couldn’t get to sleep. He then covered his eyes with his arm, miserable in his homesickness.


	9. Chapter 9

Around 11 A.M on the third day, Pippa heard the door of her office slam shut behind Natasha. The spy had a determined face that announced a bad moment was possible as she planted her palms on Pippa’s desk. “Ok. What’s going on, Coulson?"

"Nothing," Pippa sighed. “I’m not great these days, feeling bad. My boy’s away, you know what it’s like, don’t you?" Natasha crossed her arms and shook her head. 

“No. It’s not that; you come out of your office with red rimmed eyes, and I know you’re not the pot smoking type. You look terrible…"

"Oh, trust me I know that," Pippa said with a sad pout before looking up at the spy, surprised to have said that aloud. She had to be careful.

"So this is what it’s about? I haven’t seen you so depressed about yourself in ages. Have you tried seeing a therapist instead of staying up all night at the gym?" Pippa snorted. 

" _You_ say that?" Natasha gave her a harsh look to dissuade her from switching topics. “I don’t need a therapist, I just want… it’s gonna be okay. I’ve overcome worse. Steve has been on several missions in the past, it’s nothing out of the ordinary."

"Well, there’s Agent 13 now," Natasha tried, sitting on Pïppa’s desk. “Everybody thinks she looks great with Steve. They’re undercover as a couple, you and I know how easily things can get heated in such situations."

Pippa’s jaw clenched, she tried not to flinch, not to reveal her thoughts, but that was enough for the spy’s eyes. Oh, so she wanted to play? Pippa placed her chin on the back of her hands, looking Natasha in the eyes. “And what do you think I should do about that, Ms. Romanov?"  
Natasha’s eyebrows moved up imperceptibly. 

“If you want my opinion, you should give up. She’s younger, prettier, more feminine than you’ll ever be. It’s a lost cause. Just let Steve go. It’s only a matter of time before he falls for her, if he hasn’t already. He’s an old fashioned guy, but they’re in the Honeymoon Suite already--"

Pippa’s fists connected with her desk as she got up, roaring. “What the hell is wrong with you, Agent, are you trying to piss me off?" But she calmed down almost immediately as she realized it was indeed Natasha’s intentions. She shook her head, grabbed her purse, and walked toward the door.

"You gotta stop doing this, I’ve already told you I hate when you treat me like a suspect," she warned, looking back to Natasha. “Anyway, it’s time for some shopping, you’re coming?"

\--

They had caught a break on the fifth day; the mob-boss slipped up, and not only did they get enough evidence to put him away for a long time but also a whole network of criminals who were trying to step up into the super-villain category.

They had an additional day of meetings and debriefing with the European division at the London headquarters. Stark had arranged for Steve and him to fly back on one of his private jets the day after. He’d get back to New York Friday afternoon and hoped Pippa wouldn’t have to work this weekend.

Steve had thought about doing a bit of sightseeing with the last evening, but before he could decide where, there was a knock on his hotel door.

"Agent 13?" Steve questioned as she let herself in.

"Please Steve, this is a social visit, call me Sharon. I insist."

"OK, what can I do for you, Sharon?"

"You can stop pretending, Steve. What’s going on between us, it’s special… I’ve loved you since I was a girl and Auntie Margaret would tell me stories of you. And here you are just as strong, and brave, and clever as I imagined." Steve was backing away from her as she advanced towards him.

"And we all know you loved her, and time cheated you, but you can have me! I’m your second chance for a happier ending. Everyone says I’m just like her." Steve looked confused for a second until she fisted his shirt and kissed him hard on the lips.

 _"You are nothing like Peggy,_ " he thought. Steve reached up to her shoulders and used the opportunity to spin them so now he was closest to the door. She released her grip and smiled.

"Sharon, I am happily in a relationship with someone else." She rolled her eyes at this. “I think you need to leave."

"No!" Her voice now more hard and commanding. “I tried this whole week to get you to realize that I would be better for you than “she" ever will be." Sharon used finger quotes in referencing Pippa, and Steve was about to start yelling, but he saw her starting to unbutton her blouse. "I’m not leaving this room until I make you see that, Steve."

"Fine, have it your way, Agent 13." Steve said through clenched teeth, grabbed his pack from the table, and stormed out of the room. She called out after him to come back, but he had already hit the stairwell, going up to the top floor. Stark opened his door, and Steve tried to look calmer than he felt.

"Can… can I bunk with you tonight? I— I can’t go back to my room."

"What if I wanted to have a woman come over?"

"Did you have a woman coming over?"

"Well, no. I was going to watch a “Star Trek" marathon and order Indian."

"I’ll pay for the food."

"Fine, get in here" Tony sighed. “But just because you buy me dinner does not mean I’m putting out."

"Good," Steve smiled.

\--

What was supposed to be a simple moment between girls had turned into a shopping spree, and when Natasha had stopped following, Pippa had run to Stark tower, finding Pepper the ideal partner in crime.

It took her a few days to find the courage to do what she wanted though, and she had to push herself. After a long bubble bath and a cautious trimming she put on the lacy red lingerie set and black stockings she had gotten, partly to comfort herself, partly for him. 

She had taken about twenty pictures when she first got it, but hadn’t manage to send one to Steve. So she took another batch in her bathroom to have more choices. She knew she had to hurry, he wasn’t going to stay overseas forever.

He was currently working with a perfect woman, a rival, and if it wasn’t her now, it could be any other girl later. They all wanted what Pippa had, but her little conversation with Natasha had reminded her she wasn’t going to share with anyone just because she lacked confidence.

Her fingers hovered over the ‘send’ button for ten minutes. Pippa took a deep breath. Perhaps was he too busy anyway; he probably wouldn’t see the message for awhile. She pressed the key, no going back.

[ _Darling, I just bought this. I hope you like it. Love you. Can’t wait to have you in my arms. Your Girl, P._ ]

\--

When they were about two hours from landing, Steve’s phone started buzzing in his bag. He fished it out while Tony kept talking about a conference on clean energy he was going to next week. The night spent just hanging out and watching cheesy TV shows had seemed to do wonders for their friendship. Steve felt like he could follow when Tony was playing a part and when he was actually being himself, when he was teasing as a sign of friendship and when his barbs were meant to harm.

"Eleven messages!" Steve’s eyes bulged a little.

"Oh, God, Steve… I need to get you a Stark phone. They work everywhere, even internationally. How have you managed this whole week without your phone?"

"I was undercover, I couldn’t send messages or emails in case someone was watching."

"Such a Boy Scout," Tony mumbled. Steve choose to ignore the comment, reading through the ten messages Clint had sent him about gossip going on in the office and a picture of a “really cool dog" he saw by the subway.

"Why don’t you come with me back to the Tower, and I’ll get you one of our new phone prototypes?" Tony offered as Steve saw the last message was from Pippa, the night before.  
When he opened it and saw the picture, he dropped his phone and then scrambled for it before Tony could see it.

"Something wrong, Cap?"

"No, nothing wrong at all. Um…" Steve looked at the photo again and then switched back to the one Clint had sent. “Clint sent me this picture of a dog and it surprised me, I mean…" He turned to show Tony. “I’ve never seen a dog eating pizza before!" Tony sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Agent must be a living saint to deal with you so much. I don’t know how she does it."  
Steve just smiled and then started typing a response as Tony got back to talking about keynote speakers and conference round tables.

[ _Sweetheart, just got your message. Yes, I like it. very much. very very much. I love how beautiful you make it look. I’m getting back to the city this afternoon. I’ve missed you. May I see you tonight, or do you have plans? Love you - S_ ]


	10. Chapter 10

After the hectic week she had just spent and the countless sleepless nights, it was no surprise Pippa had dozed off in the middle of the day while looking at real estate websites on her tablet. The sound of a text woke her up with a start, and she straightened up from her desk with a groan. _If it was Clint and this damn dog again…!_

But when she saw the message, she almost fell out of her chair in excitement. She had heard the mission was done but with the jet lag and all the meetings he probably had to attend, she didn’t expect him available so soon.

Immediately awake, she jumped to her feet and was halfway down the stairs when she realized she hadn’t even replied and quickly typed: 

[ _No plans, get your ass back home. Love you._ ]

The rest of the afternoon was spent cooking-- or more accurately wasting food-- until after the fourth try, Pippa managed to produce a relatively edible mac’n’cheese that could be reheated later. She almost didn’t care about the food; she just wanted her apartment to smell good for when Steve would be there.

She then put on a simple flowery dress with a satin belt and touched up her makeup. Bare foot, she settled on her couch with her laptop, a compilation of Vera Lynn’s best songs playing softly. Pippa couldn’t help replaying “Travellin’ Home" again and again with a touched smile. All that mattered was to make Steve feel like he had a place to come back to. No matter what happened, he would always have his girl waiting just for him.

\--

Steve had managed to get away from Stark Tower after an hour; now that he and Tony were friends, the billionaire was like a kid happily showing off all of his latest toys. Thankfully, Pippa’s text served as an excuse that he had to go, promising he would spend more time with Tony after he got back from his upcoming conference.

His apartment looked just as Steve had left it except now there wasn’t a Pippa in his bed but a Post-It she had left with little hearts. He added it to his collection in his nightstand, and started getting ready to go see her. After what felt like an eternity for him, he was finally at her door. Showered, shaved, wearing the blue shirt she had bought him, and holding a bag of groceries, he knocked.

Pippa smiled at Steve’s politeness, she had given him a key to her apartment when they had started dating, but he insisted on waiting for her approval, every time. When she opened the door, saw Steve so perfect standing there like the ideal boyfriend with his bag in hand, she cracked a grin and blushed like a young groupie. 

“Hey, you…" 

“Hello, Sweetheart.”

She bit her lower lip, waited for him to step inside, trying to contain her joy. She didn’t want to smother him so soon, yet after a few seconds she couldn’t help herself and jumped in his strong arms, clinging to his neck as she wrapped her legs around his waist. "… missed you!"

"Oh I missed you, too, Pippa." Steve dropped the bag to the floor as he ran his hands along her back, leaning in to kiss her. When their lips met, he felt his legs go weak and he stumbled back to use the wall as support.

Her lips were soft and perfect, pushing the unpleasant memories of the previous week out of his mind. He felt safe and home. When she finally pulled back and he tried to catch his breath, he noticed the comforting smell coming out of the kitchen.

"Did you," he gave her a playful sideways glance, “did you make dinner for us? It smells wonderful."

"I can’t guarantee it’ll be good," Pippa confessed with a sheepish smile. “but I don’t want you to lift a finger tonight. It’s your homecoming, you deserve to rest." She reluctantly got back to her feet and walked to the kitchen, Steve on an arm, the bag on the other. It felt good to have him here.

"So, tell me everything!" she ordered as she pushed him against a chair. She gave him a bottle of beer and started storing the various items he had brought. “How was it? Working with Stark, I mean…" She wanted to ask about Carter, she had a thousand questions but she was still afraid of what the answers would be. 

"The whole thing actually turned out great with Tony! He let me stay in his room last night and we bonded over the best Chicken Tikka Masala. Over all the mission went well." Steve shrugged his shoulders. "Caught the bad guy, caught a lot of bad guys actually. The spa was really nice, best place I’ve ever stayed in Europe. But I guess comparing it to the war makes it an easy contest. I kept thinking it would be nice for us to go to a place like that sometime, like for a long weekend."

Steve smiled and took a long drink of the Sam Adams, but almost choked when she found the small nosegay he had picked out to give to her. Her sweet ambush at the door made the flowers slip from his mind. He saw how a few of the petals had been crushed when the bag had dropped. 

"Those… uh… were for you, are for you… they looked better before I dropped them." He bit at his lower lip, trying to look as apologetic as he could.

"It’s okay, Darling…" Pippa assured. “They are lovely! Thank you." She placed the flowers on the counter, right where she could see them all the time and snuggled against Steve, resting her head on his shoulder with a soft sigh.

"I’m glad you’re here," she whispered, nuzzling his throat. She literally had a shoulder to lean on, and she felt so much better just to know he was close. “Are you hungry? Or do you prefer to sleep? You must be jet lagged!" 

"I’ve had nothing but ordered food all week, I feel desperate for something home cooked. I had planned on making your favorite, but you’ve beat me to the punch."

She couldn’t keep her hands to herself, she craved for contact, hugging him, squeezing him hard to make the bad memories from the week go away. She had been scared for nothing, it was Steve, he would always come back to her. “I’m so glad you’re here…"

When she had said it the second time, he pulled back a bit to look at her face. There was something slightly sad in her eyes.

"What about you? How was your week?" He saw her eyes dart for a quick nanosecond, and he tried to get her to smile. “Did Clint send you the picture of the dog eating pizza, too?"

"Of course, he found himself a new obsession," Pippa said, rolling her eyes, as she pulled away from him. “I’ve heard about it all week. He even mentioned it during an interrogation; he was the good cop, I was the bad." Steve laughed and followed her with his eyes as she moved a bit quicker than she normally did.

She heated up the dish and set the table to focus on something else. She was torn between the need to talk and the will to protect Steve from her bad moods, her hesitations. As she sat to start eating, she couldn’t help sighing. How could she keep secrets that would turn anyone’s hair white yet be unable to refrain herself when it came to her boyfriend?

"Okay," she blurted. “At first I was a tiny little bit concerned about Agent 13 working with you for a week, if you wanna know but… but I know I trust you, and even if I was a mess last Monday and ruined... I remembered that you love me —well Natasha reminded me, you know, not so subtly at all. But the beginning of the week wasn’t really great for that; I’m not jealous or anything, I just… care about you. A lot. And I love you but she’s so pretty…” _Oh so that’s the famous negotiator Agent Coulson? Talented with words indeed._

Steve stopped mid-bite, and gently placed his fork down on his plate and then reached for her hand focusing his attention on it. 

"I didn’t know how to tell you before, but the mission had us undercover as a newly married couple. And I’ve never been around someone as forward as Agent 13, but every time she tried something; it just made me miss you more and more.

"In private, I just tried to distance myself from her as much as I could, and I don’t think I was very good at pretending with her when we were in public. I overheard someone at one dinner comment that it looked like our marriage wouldn’t last two months." He slightly chuckled and then looked up.

“I will always love you, Pippa. It’s… it’s not conditional, and I can’t even pretend I like holding someone else’s hand. I’ve got it bad for you." He squeezed her hand and softly smiled. "And I can’t wait to move into our apartment together."

Pippa let the sweet words soothe her, reassured her; she was only starting to realize she had never before been so scared and anxious because she had never cared about someone so much. This one, if she lost him, she would be devastated.

"I found some nice apartments close to HQ we could visit tomorrow, if you want.” She put down her fork, almost done with her plate, and wiped her lips. “I’ve bookmarked several places, you know ‘not too small’ and ‘not too far from S.H.I.E.L.D.’ But I want to warn you, we might not get everything we want. Most realtors were surprised to hear a feminine voice on the phone, after I faxed in our information. They expect a gay couple-- Phillip and Steve; it’s gonna be difficult to explain."

"We don’t have to explain anything to anybody. If the us being together bothers someone, I certainly don’t want to do business with them. As long as you feel safe in the building, I really don’t mind how much we spend or what it's like." Steve finished off his plate, and gave a sheepish smile.

"Is it ok if I get a little more? It’s really good; exactly what I’ve been missing all week." He stood up to go back to the pan. "Do you have a favorite picked out already?"

"Hm… there is this loft that looks nice, close to the train, a charming neighborhood. I have to say I really like it." Pippa hid her glee but shook her fist in victory when Steve disappeared in the kitchen. It was good, he wanted more. Kitchen: 0; Pippa: 1! She reached for her tablet and quickly searched for pictures of the loft to show to Steve as he resumed eating.

"Here, what do you think?" Pippa asked, hiding a soft yawn.

"I like it. I like that _you_ like it." Steve was so happy to be there with her back to where he felt comfortable, and imagining their future together excited him. The apartment looked bright and open, and he had no doubt the two of them could make it perfect. When he heard her little yawn with his super hearing, he felt a little guilty for his coming over. She had had a long week, and most likely had not planned on entertaining.

"I’m sorry, Sweetheart; I’m feeling a bit worn out from the plane and Tony," he lied. “Do you think we could just take it easy tonight? Maybe snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie?"

"Snuggling sounds just perfect for me," Pippa smiled sleepily, happy that his plans met hers. She kept talking about the places she had seen and how Steve would have to look at the webpages at least, staring at him with enamored eyes until Steve was done cleaning his second plate. Now that he was here, she knew she would have a better sleep rhythm and not stir every ten minutes wondering if he was okay. She quickly placed the dishes in the sink when they were done and even froze the leftovers of her attempt at domesticity, giggling when Steve took a few more spoonfuls straight from the pan.

Only then she allowed herself to guide Steve on the couch and settle on top of him, wrapping her arms around his chest as she finally could bury her face in his neck. She found the perfect angle to watch the screen and kiss his smooth jaw and throat.

"You pick," she mumbled, her nose brushing against his skin. The peaceful feeling of having him there, right with her, was so comforting that it didn’t take her more than ten minutes to doze off, knowing that nothing could hurt her, he was there. She couldn't stop grinning, knowing he had turned down Agent 13 just for her.

Steve was feeling content and warm, the pasta and jet lag catching up with him. When he felt Pippa go limp against him and her breathing fell into the easy pattern he knew so well, he turned off the TV. Moving gingerly, he gathered her up in his arms and was never so grateful for his body. It was easy not to jostle her as he hit the light and carried her to her room. 

Steve placed Pippa in bed, removing her necklace so she wouldn’t break it and loving the soft whimpers she gave as his fingers lightly grazed her neck. If the deadly agent wasn’t waking up from someone touching her throat, was this tired, she must have had a _very_ difficult week.

The blond silently changed into the sleep pants from his drawer in her dresser. When he slid into bed, Pippa immediately rolled to him, resting her head on his bare chest and wrapping her arm around his waist. Effectively pinned, Steve sighed and kissed the top of her head.

"Oh, how I’ve missed my guardian angel," he whispered into the dark.


	11. Chapter 11

In the middle of the night, Pippa awoke for no apparent reason before realizing she was still in her day clothes and that her bra was becoming uncomfortable. She moved away from Steve’s arms and looked at him with a fond smile. He had taken her to bed without waking her up, always the gentleman. Pippa got up in silence and quickly went to the bathroom.

When she came back, she removed her dress and bra, unable to suppress a contented sigh. Instinctively she slid her thumbs under the sides of her panties before stopping. She looked at Steve, her partner, the man she admired even more than Captain America and bit her lower lip. Exhaustion and the darkness of the night made her carefree, and she jumped on the occasion, trying not to listen to the frightened little voices in her head predicting pain and disaster if she dared to get naked.

She wiggled back into Steve’s arms, and the young man’s face relaxed as if he had been missing something in his sleep. Pippa smiled, she felt light. How could she have forgotten the pleasure of clean sheets on her bare ass? She closed her eyes and crossed her fingers for him to wake up before her so that she could avoid his initial reactions.

Hours later, still off from his time in London, Steve slowly opened his eyes in the pre-dawn light and couldn’t understand why he would wake when clearly it was still night. He smiled as he heard Pippa sigh against his neck, and reached down to pet at the small of her back. When he touched her, he stopped for a moment; instead of touching the silk of one of her nightgowns or the cotton of one of his shirts she would ‘steal,’ he felt the delight of her soft, smooth, bare skin.

Steve moved his hand up to pull her nightgown down, but when he got all the way up to her shoulder, he figured out she wasn’t wearing anything. Odd, because he had put her to bed still in her flowery dress. At the same moment, he felt her bare hip against the skin above his waist band, and the realization came to him — this was a dream. This was his _favorite_ dream where Pippa felt safe and loved enough, deservedly confident enough to be naked with him, to scream his name, to have nothing between them.

Like he always did in this dream, he turned on his side and started kissing at her neck and shoulders. She felt a soft hand on her back first but still sleeping she didn’t move, used to Steve’s gentle touch. It was only when Steve shifted and his warm hands started to roam all over her naked body with a forwardness she didn’t expect that Pippa realized the caresses were more than a simple back rub. 

She let herself be guided by Steve’s intents and arched slightly against him. When he held her hips and pulled her closer, her thigh pressed against the hardness in his pants, and he moaned.

"Oh Pippa, I love you so much. How did I ever manage to get such a beautiful angel in my bed?" he whispered into her ear. His hands not stopping touching and rubbing as he waited for the answer she always gave.

Frankly, she would never had thought her lover would be the kind to initiate slow, passionate, morning sex while she was still sleeping, Steve was more of the ask permission kind. When he pulled her against him, kissing her tenderly and with a surprising talent for someone so inexperienced, she thought he was probably too shy to wait for her to wake up: he preferred to start now and take the risk to get a “no" instead of trying to ask directly again. 

Pippa felt a rush of love; he was so sweet, how could he be so insecure after all the things she had told him? She placed her arms around his waist and brushed his spine with her fingertips, arching to press her breasts against his solid chest. “Hmm… flattery will get you everywhere…Yes Darling, like that… that’s good," she encouraged to show him he was doing the right thing, sliding one of her thighs to rub his erection as her own started to rouse.

When she didn’t say her usual line, the same one she had said before in his dreams countless times, Steve froze for a second as he realized this wasn’t his dream. This was real. Embarrassed to have been mistaken, he was about to pull away and start apologizing, but Pippa’s soft encouragement and firm movements washed away his usual reservations.

He cupped her breast, softly rubbing the pad of his thumb across her nipple, feeling it react to his attention, and kissed her on the mouth. His chest felt tight with desire and want, in pain to be keeping back the obscene noises he felt he needed to make.

"It’s not flattery, Sweetheart. It’s true; you’re so beautiful." His hips gave a small involuntary thrust against her. “I’ve thought about this so many times, but you feel better than anything I could imagine."

Pippa was melting in his hands, his confidence and desire were touching. With a low purr, she started kissing his shoulders and arms, leaving soft bites on the tempting muscles. Of course, all of her insecurities weren’t gone yet, but she was now hard against him, damp against the smooth skin of his stomach, and he didn’t back up. His desires were pure, not influenced by anything but his love for her, and his attentions reminded her the only thing she needed right now was a good orgasm.

"Yeah, yeah," she chuckled, now fully awake. “But it’s unfair…" As he kept kissing her with sexy little moans, she ran her hands on his stomach, his hipbones, reached the small of his back before sliding her hands under his sleep pants and boxers. In one swift motion she could grab deliciously firm buttocks and giggled. 

“Goodness, even your ass is perfect!" She pushed the fabric down, as if she were undressing a statue, and stayed close to him as he wiggled to help her. 

"It’s one of my superpowers you know… super strength, heightened senses, perfect ass," he joked as she squeezed him, causing him to thrust. When his cock sprung free, she fluttered her lashes with a mischievous grin and ran a finger under the sensitive head.   
“Well, hello there…" Now both of them completely nude, her small strong fingers were teasing him like the trigger of a gun. He shuddered at her touch and his cock twitched. It was like when she would tickle him, but also at the same time a hundred times better.

He moved his hands to brush her hair away from her face, weaving his fingers in the silken strands, framing her face. He couldn’t stop kissing her. He was so aware of the blood pumping through his body, his ears throbbing, his lips swelling, his cock achingly hard.

He wanted to say something loving, to try to vocalize what he was feeling at that moment, but all that came out were sighs of “oh" and “yes" and “Pippa."

When she wrapped her fingers around his shaft and started to move, he gasped and rocked into her fist. It was so different than when he did this by himself so much better to feel her smooth legs entwined with his, her skin against his, her warm moist breath on his neck.

Steve was a piece of art, and Pippa didn’t know where to look-- his body, his flustered face, his eyes struggling to stay open, or his beautiful cock. She loved its warmth, the hard and heavy sensation in her hand.

"You make the sweetest noises, Darling; you’ll sound so good when I ride you," Pippa teased against his throat.

Steve felt his orgasm starting to build after just a few strokes. He had, after all, spent three months training himself to get off as quickly as he could in the shower, thinking of it as a chore like flossing.

"N-n-no.." he choked out. His hands flew down to still her hand and tightly grip the base of his cock to stop the build. When he stopped her, she wondered if she had done something wrong.

He saw her confusion in the faint light coming through the sheer curtains. He took a breath, moved his hand under hers, then placed them on her lower stomach near her hip bone, silently asking for both permission and guidance.

"Ladies first," he whispered and started sucking on her earlobe. She was about to tell him that there was no need to be a gentleman in bed, as long as they both had pleasure. Still she sensed his curiosity, his will to please her. For him everything was new, a series of incredible discoveries, and she didn’t know how his friends had talked about sex back in the days, but it seemed such a source of pride to make his girl come. So she leaned back against the pillows, pulling him with her, and guided his head to her chest. 

“Think these two could get some att--" Her voice broke when Steve started kissing and licking a nipple. “Ow… yes…!" His passion and good will made her less hesitant to give directions. She kissed him, touched his torso and back for a few minutes, pleased by the skin against her palms, before pushing him away softly.

"I… it’s a bit, uh… difficult to explain," she smiled sheepishly. _Liar, you’ve already explained how to touch you to a bunch of girls and guys._ “So, how about a little demonstration?" _You just wanna show off. You think you can thrill Steve Rogers?_

Actually, in that very moment Pippa was certain she could. She stretched a little, her thighs barely open, looking at Steve. One of her hands on the pillow, the other slid on her hips, her fingers found that spot that made her feel good just above her balls, her palm on the underside of her erection. It was the only way that didn’t depress her afterwards. She started rubbing small circles, more aroused than ever to be watched by her confused but focused lover who seemed to not want to miss a thing.

Steve felt his temperature rise and had to give himself another harsh squeeze to calm down. Everything about their morning had seemed intimate, just for them, but now it felt like a new level. He felt selfish and possessive because he just wanted more and more of her, to make her never have a reason to doubt his love. 

Steve slid gracefully next to her side, curling into her. His mouth near her ear, and his cock rubbed against the outer side of her thigh as his leg lightly rested on hers. After a few minutes of watching her from this angle while sucking on on her neck, he felt like he could at least a good job on pleasuring her.

He moved his hand down to sneak under her fingers, trying to evaluate how much pressure she used, if she moved the circles, if they were the same size. His tactical brain was working in overtime it seemed. But at her first moan when he touched her like this, all the questions faded away and he focused on being agile, going along for whatever amazing things Pippa wanted.

"Do you like this?" he purred and she couldn’t contain a shocked gasp. She arched even more and instinctively started to roll her hips in rhythm, one arm around Steve to hold on.

"Y-Yes," she panted with a smile. “S’good…" She clung to him, genuinely surprised for it to feel this great. Perhaps it was because of Steve’s patience and tenderness, or just the feeling of being touched by another hand. She hadn’t done anything in days, didn’t have enough time and definitely had not been in the mood, and now Steve’s large hands, his fingers pressing and rubbing, his palm on her were precisely what she needed. 

His breath was short against her ear, like he was the one being satisfied right now. And if she didn’t expect it to work the first time, she was happy to be proven wrong as the pleasure started building in her stomach, her thighs tensed, her toes curled.

"Harder… please," she begged and Steve’s quick reaction was what lost her. She felt him instantly how she wanted, her eyes closed, her head tilted back, and she came with a crescendo of moans followed by low screams, digging her nails in the muscles of his back.

Steve had never been on the edge for this long, but he knew if he allowed himself to let go, his eyes would shut and like hell he was going to miss watching her. The dawn’s light illuminated her face perfectly, and he saw the muscles of her face relax as her screams died back to sighs and then whimpers. Her grip on his back lessened and she touched at his arm, so he slowed and lightened his touch, but didn’t stop until she moved his hand down to her inner thigh.

Her eyes were half opened now, and she smiled with a satisfaction he had never seen before. His photographic memory may be a curse at times, but right now he loved that he would always remember exactly how her body had moved, the sound of her screaming his name, the feel of her pulse, how her skin tasted as he kissed over every part of her near his mouth.

"You’re so beautiful, Pippa. I…love you." _When did I get out of breath?_ He tried to fill his lungs but his hips continued moving, seeking some friction and causing him to gasp. He was so close, but Pippa pushed him away from her body, and without a thought he complied. Steve whined as he left the warmth of her body and his cock was thrust into the air instead of against her hip. When he looked into her eyes, he saw something both loving and mischievous there.

She knew she wasn’t being a proper lady at all right now, but her body felt relaxed, her mind happy and everything was pleasant. She caught Steve’s head between her hands and her kiss was hungry, almost ferocious. She loved the smell of his skin, the thin moist layer of sweat, everything about him, things she was the first to discover. With a predatory grin she pushed Steve flat on his back and licked her lips. 

“Now you seem to have a problem, and you should let me handle it because I’m your handler." She saw the surprise in his eyes when she lowered her head, following the pattern of his abs with the tip of her tongue. “Need ya to trust me, my love. Do you?"

Steve swallowed and nodded his head. She then ran her tongue from the base to the tip of Steve’s twitching cock. There was something moving in knowing she was about to give him his very first blowjob. He seemed desperately close, and she didn’t want to lose time, so Pippa wrapped her lips around the head and started sucking slowly, mesmerized by the sensations in her mouth and the beautiful sounds he made.

Steve was so overwhelmed by Pippa’s warm and wet mouth on him that his first inclination was to pull away. However, her hands were firmly holding his hips, and it wasn’t like he could sink any further into the mattress.

He felt like he was losing more control over himself with each movement she made. He made soft low moans and gripped at the sheets under his hips, trying to sit up and keep his eyes open. However, despite his best effort, his stamina was no match for her talent and his muscles started to tense after less than a minute.

"Sweetheart, I’m sorry… close… please… I need to…" his voice was more broken and desperate than he had ever heard before.

Pippa smiled, replacing her mouth with her hand. She twisted her wrist on his wet member and ran her nails down his inner thigh. He was so strong, so rigid, she could feel a real power under his skin; it was like controlling a hurricane.

"I love you so much, Steve," she sighed in delight as he arched his gorgeous body. For a split second, she realized she was making Captain America himself come, a fantasy she would have never even dared to have. But the sight was too wonderful to think too much, she firmly held Steve’s hip and watched cautiously as he lost himself, more beautiful than her wildest dreams.

"That was a… amazing." He felt so relaxed, it was like he didn’t even have a skeleton anymore. He managed to softly tug at her arm, trying to pull her back to him, and sighed contently when she laid down next to him again.

"Thank you, Pippa." He kissed her sweetly, reverently, on her cheek and jaw. “Thank you for loving me."


	12. Chapter 12

They started to stir again an hour later, a tangle of limbs and sheets. Steve woke slowly, kissing her bare shoulder as he spooned her. "Um… would you like to take a shower with me? It’s still early enough we could go anywhere you’d like for breakfast after."

Pippa whined softly, torn between the need to move and her residual sleepiness, yet she still got up with him, keeping her arms around him. As they walked to the bathroom, passing by the large mirror of her wardrobe, Pippa saw them-- naked, exposed, and she had to admit they looked good together. Next to him, she seemed small, delicate, curvy and not manly at all. She smiled and looked up at him before stepping in the shower.

Steve was really special; he made her feel safe. She hadn’t needed big, muscular, or powerful partners; she had never needed to be physically saved, but Steve gave her a feeling of peace she had never known before. What he was doing to her heart and mind was good, and for once she didn’t fear someone else’s feelings. If it could last, if it didn’t stop after a few months, then he might be the one. She turned on the water and started rubbing soapy hands on Steve’s stomach. 

“So… Mr. Rogers, I didn’t think you were the kind of guy who sneaks up on girls while they sleep..."

Steve’s face and exposed chest immediately turned beet red. He was about to stammer out an apology, explain he thought it was a dream, insist he wasn’t that kind of guy, but then he recognized her teasing smile. So he tried to collect himself as he lathered some of Pippa’s fancy soap in a washcloth.

"I didn’t know this was an interrogation," he started as he slid one arm around her waist to steady her and ran the washcloth over her breasts with the other. “I’m usually tied up during interrogations, not in nice hot shower with a beautiful woman. I see why you’re one of the best S.H.I.E.L.D. has—"

Steve saw a bead of water on Pippa’s bottom lip, reminding him that he had gone about a whole minute now without kissing her. A negligence he needed to remedy immediately. He tipped her face up as he bent down and gave her a small soft kiss, keeping both of them balanced on the tile. "—‘Cause I think right now I’d tell you anything you wanted to know."

"Oh, you crack too easily," she teased, “at least hold out until I have my hands and mouth on you, then I know you can’t refuse me anything." She let Steve take care of her, cleaning her up cautiously, and the moment seemed almost more intimate than their awakening in bed; she didn’t even question his presence.

"The only thing I will always want to know is whether or not you like what we do," she said, rubbing the washcloth on the relief of his torso. “Don’t ever hesitate to tell me what you enjoy or not, what you want, what you fantasize about. I doubt you can shock me."

As she tilted her head under the warm water, eyes closed, she added, “Like for example, if one day in the heat of the moment you shove your little wife against the wall or the kitchen counter to have her there without warning, then she might even enjoy it…." Pippa froze for a millisecond under the hot stream. _One naughty morning and she already was calling herself his little wife, really?_

Steve stepped a bit closer to share in the water with her. She had gone quiet as she rinsed the remaining soap bubbles off her body, and he bit at his bottom lip, trying to get his heart to calm down. As she turned off the faucet, he swallowed and seemed to find his voice again.

"You would like _that_?" he asked, too nervous to be more specific. He dabbed at her face and shoulders with the towel from the rack. Pippa’s heart started to pound in her chest. She was unsure of what he meant exactly, yet she knew that having this doubt was already a confession, the kind she wasn’t prepared for.

"Oh, yes," she smiled hesitantly, licking her lips as she ruffled her hair with the towel. “I fully trust you to stop if I don’t feel comfortable, so you can be a little rough with me, don’t worry. As long as it’s just a game, I trust you to push my limits…"

 _It had just been a slip. Stop reading into things, Rogers._ Steve wrapped a towel around his waist and put on his show smile, trying to push away the disappointment in his chest. "Thank you for trusting me; I-- I want to do everything you like. I liked everything that’s happened so far this morning-- loved it actually. Your mouth felt so warm and wet and good and well, sometimes I’ve daydreamed about us taking Lola out of the city and finding a little spot where we could be alone or um… surprising you in your office…" He realized he was rambling again and stopped. He still felt so out of his league with her.

Still nervous despite his answer, Pippa bit her lower lip and slid the delicate lace panties she had bought recently up her smooth legs. She shut him up with a soft kiss, a hand on his neck.

"I would love that," she winked, not even certain of what she meant precisely. She didn’t want to think about it yet so she focused on putting on the rest of the new lingerie set she had sent him a picture of, unconsciously making a show out of it. She arched her back slightly more than normal, swayed her hips as she walked a little too much. “I’m gonna see if I got a reply from the real estate agent, then we can perhaps begin to explore the neighborhood of the loft, find the best breakfast spots?"

"That. sounds. good." Steve couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He had never realized that putting on clothes could be as tantalizing as any strip tease. Her movements were slightly hypnotizing, and he knew he had to look away as he felt the heat start to build again beneath his towel. But, he couldn’t.

"You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you, you little minx?" their eyes met in the reflection of the mirror, and he saw her look genuinely confused. "You’re being particularly sexy this morning to torture me," he playfully accused. “I can’t tell if I should go away more often, or if you’re trying to get me to never leave on a mission without you again; however, I do know which I’m leaning towards."

"You have no idea… how hard it is to be me," Pippa sighed with a diva hand gesture. “As your handler I want you to save the world but as your girlfriend I’d rather have you home all the time!" The mention of his last mission cast a shadow over her mood and she suddenly felt possessive because Steve was hers and someone had tried to get him anyway. So as she walked to the bedroom on tiptoes, just like she would do with high heels, she looked back and deliberately hoped she could ignite his jealousy at least a little bit. "Maybe I just love having _men_ eating out of my hand?"

His breath caught for a half second, her drawl on the plural made his body slightly tense. He took her hands in his, bringing them to his mouth and kissing her palms. "See? I’m too big. No room for anyone else to eat, and like hell I’d move to share." Steve effortlessly swooped her up in a bridal carry, obviously surprising the agent as she squeaked. His grip tightened more against her wriggling, making sure she wouldn’t fall.

Pïppa felt her legs turn weak as he lifted her like the frail young girl she never really was. She could feel a hint of jealousy behind his playful tone, she had to admit she loved it even if she knew deep inside that Steve had lost everyone he cared about, and the thought that she was the last precious thing remaining in his life was incredibly sad.

"You’re mine," he growled low and soft, gave her another kiss, and carried her around the room to the bed like she was nothing at all. “Maybe I should pull rank and demand that you always come with me on missions. If Tony can set his terms, why can’t I?"

"I wish we could," she replied in a professional voice, leaning in his arms to get her phone on the nightstand. “But I’m not as easy to requisition as a bottle of Jack or a few pretty assistants like Stark wants."

She smiled to avoid questions, but she knew she didn’t trust herself fully when he was there. Her love for him was growing to a point she couldn't control. She knew she would have to adapt quickly because going from no relationships at work to officially being around the love of her life 24/7 was definitely a huge step.


	13. Chapter 13

"We can visit the loft at 1100,” she announced as she read through her emails. Her shift in tone and immersion in her phone made Steve’s heart tighten even more. While he was certain he could never share Pippa without another man, he knew he would have to make concessions as he wasn’t the only love of her life. No matter how hard he tried, S.H.I.E.L.D. was always going to be the third person in their relationship, both pulling them together and apart. 

She was typing now, eyes locked on the screen, so Steve started to retreat. She put the phone to her ear and then started talking quickly, “Yes, Jasper. Just move the appointment with Kalls to Tuesday, he can wait, and… hm, then we send the Red team to Libya, oh you want the mission in Iceland?”

Gathering some clean clothes from his drawer, he slipped back into the bathroom to get dressed, feeling like the third wheel and awkward in his current attire. Pippa picked a suit from her closet as she continued giving Sitwell direction on the next week’s schedule. “That’s good; I’ll replace you then and… yes, Natasha will follow the lead for Vibranium…"

Looking in the mirror, Steve tried to identify what was wrong with him. _Did she even like what you did? Maybe you moved in correctly or…"_ a hundred other thoughts ran through his head. He suddenly was shaking and he didn’t even know for sure why. He slid to the floor and clutched at his knees, feeling dizzy and weak.

She had just buttoned her shirt up when she walked into the bathroom to put on her make up and saw Steve curled up on the floor. “Oh! Wait… gotta go," she quickly whispered before she hung up.

"Steve… Steve?" She knelt next to him, shyly placed her hands on his shoulders. She had only seen him so upset twice, early on in their relationship. Yet everything had been so perfect today, she didn’t understand. "What’s going on Baby, tell me?" He looked up at her worried face and felt terrible about his selfishness. He gave a tight lipped smile and shook his head slightly.

"I’m sorry. I got a bit dizzy; it must be the jet lag," he lied. He took her hand as he got back up. “I think I need to eat; I had a pretty good workout this morning," he lightly chuckled and tried to get as close as he could to her. He was still slightly shaky as she walked him to the living room and put him down on the couch.

She was back within minutes, trying not to look or sound too worried, but she doubted Steve’s super body would really be so sensitive to jet lag or hunger. Deep inside agent Coulson hated when secrets were kept from her. As she started Lola’s engine, she kissed Steve’s lips tenderly and nuzzled his cheek.

"Sweetheart, I love you, I don’t think you realize what you mean to me. You’re really special. So if anything bothers you, even the slightest bit, even if you think it’s ridiculous, you can tell me. Always."

Steve nodded his head in agreement, unable to identify even for himself what was wrong, what he was so anxious about. “"I love you, Pippa. I really do, and I’m so excited about… everything. If there’s anything I know is bothering me, I would tell you." It was frustrating and a bit terrifying that he couldn’t figure it out himself, so he remained quiet for most of the drive. 

Everything had been so great, she just couldn’t identify the point where things had gone wrong. Despite his gentle touches while she drove, he felt absent as if he were moving away from her. It wasn’t until she found parking and they were walking to a cafe she had found on the internet that he broke his silence, "Sweetheart, what _do_ I mean to you… really?"

Feeling like she had to explain the birds and bees to a child, she worried her bottom lip with her teeth; the question was simple, the answer a little less. But there was something that made Steve uncomfortable today and Pippa knew she had to open up if she wanted him to do the same.

"I love you," she said, looking into his eyes. “I love you enough to move in with you, enough to…” she dropped her voice to a whisper, “to kill without interrogation the ones who hurt you, enough to forget about protocols and my principles. When I’m with you, I think with my gut and you know that’s unusual for someone like me."

She sat at a table and with a sad smile she took his hand and kissed his palm. "It’s because I love you that I tiptoe sometimes, because I’m afraid I’m gonna say something that scares you. It’s because I love you that I waited for so long to make love, instead of jumping you and running away in a cab in the middle of the night. I’ve met a lot of people who wanted to make me into a better man or woman but you, you make me wanna be a better person. 

“And I don’t know what’s going on, if I did something wrong… is it because I talked about men eating out of my hand? You know that was just a joke, right? I told you the first night that I was your girl, and I’ll say it again every day if you want. I’m no one’s girl but yours but it seems like I screwed up and I don’t know why…"

"No! No, no!" Steve interrupted and pulled her chair closer to him so their shoulders were touching and softly kissed her cheek. "You didn’t screw up, you… you’re so wonderful and good and…" he took a breath as things clicked in his mind and he realized why he was upset. “I don’t get to keep the wonderful people in my life," he whispered.

Just then the waiter came by, and Steve held it together long enough as they ordered their meals. But when the waiter left, Steve felt a tear running down his face. "Mama, Dr. Erskine, Bucky, the Howling Commandos, Howard, Peggy—" he stopped a second as he realized it had been the first time he had actually said her name since going down. It hadn’t hurt as much as he had thought it would, and he knew it was because of Pippa. "— everybody I’ve ever cared about, I’ve ever loved, I lose them. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you and you… you are…"

He felt himself start to slightly shake at the thought forming, and he colored with embarrassment. He prayed no one was looking at them, looking at him have a breakdown in the corner of the cafe, but his worry doubled that he was going to have a full panic attack and Pippa would be mortified to have been seen with him. So he closed his eyes and tried some of the breathing techniques one of his therapists had taught him. He felt her hands rubbing at his back and after a minute he felt like he could continue.

"You are such a great agent, Pippa, and I know you will do whatever is necessary to keep the world safe. The world is safer because of things you have done, but… after this morning, I just can’t… can’t think of what I would do without you. And I know you love work and that if I can’t even have you for a morning without S.H.I.E.L.D. demanding some attention, I need to be better about not being jealous like a child, but…

"They don’t love you like I love you, and I’m afraid of the demands they have of you. If I lost you, I think I would lose myself…"

Pippa wrapped her arms around his neck, unable to look him in the eyes, and kissed his temple tenderly. She brushed his hair with her fingers, and shot a deadly glare at a couple of old women looking at them. 

"So that’s what it’s about," she sighed softly. “Trust me, I know S.H.I.E.L.D.’s got a too important place in my life. You’re not the first to notice it…" She nuzzled his cheek to pretend they were just an overly affectionate couple, hoping he could relax a bit. 

“I thought being with someone from the agency would be easier, that you would know what it’s like to be called on weekends to go on missions and not think I’m cheating on you. I was so wrong," she added, squeezing Steve harder. “You know what I’m really doing so you’ve got more reasons to be worried."

She quickly kissed his lips and straightened when the waiter arrived with their orders. But as soon as he was gone, her hands were on Steve’s again. “It’s never going to be easy love, I can’t lie. And I will always fear for your life too, I know I might lose you one day just like some others have. 

“If you think that I’m thinking about work when I’m with you, first of all it’s not entirely true, but then I can assure you when I’m with S.H.I.E.L.D. I am thinking about you. You really shouldn’t be jealous Honey, but I promise I’m gonna try to make an effort and not reply to everything unless it’s really urgent. I was single and available 24/7 for so long, I developed some pretty bad habits," she chuckled sadly.

Steve softly laughed with her, feeling a bit better with his confession, of telling her his deepest fear. “But you aren’t single anymore, you have an old man at home who needs your attention," he said playfully. “He wants to cook for you, and to care for you, and to share your bed at night… who would be lost without you."

Steve cut into his double omelet with a fork, and willed away the lingering sad feelings he still had and the million dollar question he was still afraid to ask. They ate their breakfasts with lighthearted gossip about Tony Stark and the things he had shown Steve the day before. 

His shoulders dropped as the tension he didn’t realize he was carrying melted away. As they were drinking their second cups of coffee, they tried to decide which shops they could visit before going to the loft. She held his hand firmly in hers and tried to distract him from his gloomy thoughts, imagining their possible future life in this area.


	14. Chapter 14

As they were walking by a small group of movers who had a break in front of a building, Pippa accidentally bumped into one of the men while trying to avoid a kid on his bicycle. The big guy stepped back with a disgusted pout. 

“Don’t touch me, faggot!”

Pippa didn’t even manage to get angry. Not today, she had more important business on her mind. Even though he was much taller and stronger, she slapped him hard enough to leave a bright red mark on his cheek, scolded a “You watch your tone!” and took Steve’s arm. 

Steve bit his lip to keep from smiling too much as she pulled him away, he looked back at the dumbstruck man who was holding his hand to his face. For as much as he wanted to protect and take care of her, he loved and admired her strength and bravery. The scene reminded him of his first day of basic training. Her excited squeal pulled back from the memory.

“Oh, goodness look at these shoes! I _have_ to try them!”

“OH MY GOD!" Steve exclaimed when he saw the sign showing the shoes were marked down from $700 to $400. Sometimes the inflation of prices would still throw him for a loop, but he quickly did the math in his head and still couldn’t believe they would charge that much for a pair of shoes.

"Is this what your shoes usually cost?" he whispered, feeling like he had as a child staring at the dollar toys when all he had was pennies.

"I… uh… it depends on the designer," Pippa smiled sheepishly with a soft blush. "I have a lot of less expensive shoes and some more expensive. It’s crazy you know, all the things you can buy when you never go on vacation." She looked at the shoes again and couldn’t help but go in the shop where the saleswoman immediately identified a shopping addict. 

“I’ll be back soon,” Pippa promised as she kissed Steve’s cheek. “Please, if you see anything you like just pick it; it’s on me. Don’t look at the price tags!”

She already had a file on her phone to note things Steve liked for future shopping sprees, but she needed to distract him. Steve looked over the table of men’s dress shoes, and despite her warning, didn’t dare to even touch the laces when he saw the price written on a tiny sticker inside. He had his nice shoes at home, and really didn’t need another pair as he rarely went to something so formal. In five minutes the deal was done, she kept the new bright red heels on her feet, and returned to Steve who looked as uncomfortable and awkward as Dr. Banner. When he saw the new shoes, he immediately recognized the color was the same as her lingerie and couldn’t help but smile and swallow at the memory.

"Wow, those look amazing!” He took her bag to carry as they then left the store. Making their way to the complex, he held her hand in his and felt rather comfortable in the neighborhood despite the earlier confrontation. When they arrived at the front door, the real estate agent was already there, a woman in her late thirties, looking frazzled but nice. 

"Mrs. Coulson, I presume?" she smiled, reaching out for Pippa’s hand. She looked at Steve and added with an excited grin, "You’re the guarantor for your son, right? Ah! You’re so good to help him find the apartment of his dreams. Mother knows best after all!" Pippa’s eyebrows shot up, she hadn’t expected this, and in her shock was unable to find the appropriate answer. 

“I, uh…”

"Oh, no, you misunderstand." Steve interrupted, working his most charming smile. “It’s my fault, I look much younger than I actually am. Steven Rogers, it’s very nice to meet you." He shook her hand, and then pulled Pippa closer to his side. " _Ms._ Coulson here is my future wife, not my mother.”

"Oh my God," the realtor’s eyes bulged and all the color washed from her face. “I am so sorry. I must have mixed up some files and just thought since… well, men your age can’t usually afford this neighborhood and—” Once more, Steve interrupted before she would said anything else that could upset Pippa. 

“Again, older than I look. It’s almost a curse. I get carded whenever I go out drinking, too,” he joked. He gave Pippa a squeeze and motioned to the door. "Shall we?"

Pippa’s breath had completely left her when he called her his future wife, and with a great amount of determination she began again, squeezing back to thank him for his intervention. She had imagined so many ways it could go wrong she hadn’t even thought about this possible misunderstanding.

They started following the realtor all over the loft; it was huge but very clean, recently updated and modernized. Pippa slipped into agent mode and checked everything. She opened the back door in the kitchen to see a small garden that lead to a back alley. The windows were secure enough. There was a safe in a wall, and she immediately made sure she could replace it with a more secure model from S.H.I.E.L.D. The bedroom was big enough for Steve’s king-sized bed, and she already knew the small study attached would be a great place for him to install his desk and draw.

"What do you think?" she asked as the relator stepped out to make a phone call. “And I don’t want you to bat it back to me with some line about my opinion is the one that matters.” Steve smiled innocently, but she had a good sense of what he was going to do. "Really, what do you think? This is not my new place with you, this is our place. I mean,” she paused, “this would be if you like it."

Steve continued looking around at the high ceilings, marveling at how big the apartment felt, larger than the one he had been in for almost two years that had felt like a palace compared to the one he had before the war. But when he tried imagining all of Pippa’s things and his things in the space, it didn’t seem so bad. There was even a little room off the bedroom that Steve was sure would be great as a large walk-in closet for Pippa.

"I like it—" he smiled and unconsciously gave his puppy-dog eyes at her. "—I really like it, and I want to live here with you. That is… if you… if you like it too."

"I love it," Pippa admitted low enough not to be heard by their host still in the hallway. "The neighborhood is nice, a lot of families in the building from what I saw, and a bunch of artists on the other side of the courtyard. There are two exits, just in case… to me it looks safe, friendly and it’s not a bad deal for this area. We should put in an offer."

When the realtor came back, Pippa was completely in her cool, collected, negotiator mode and pulling out a pen. “Let’s discuss the terms of the offer we would like to make.” The realtor lit up and started pulling out files. 

Pippa’s heart accelerated, pounding in her chest as she realized the step they were taking. It was official now: they were buying an apartment together. But when they were out on the street again, she had to cling to Steve’s side, feeling a little dizzy. The bachelorette agent was moving in with a guy. It was exciting and scary, but she didn’t want to turn back. She wasn’t going to be married to her job anymore; she was with Steve Rogers now and planned on being so for a long, long time.


End file.
